I think if I had to choose a word that summed up this year, one that comes to mind is frustration.
Today, I took the girls to the nondenominational church we attend every other week. The service goes as follows: one hour of praise and worship (mostly music and singing), and then one hour of a sermon by the pastor. Now, I've been confused and frustrated by some sermon topics or points at this church in the past, but today was unreal. Today's topic was how "women need to know their place." I put it in quotes because that is word-for-word what the pastor said. I was shocked, and hoped that it somehow would end up with a redeeming message... but it didn't. "Women are powerful, but they need to know their place." "Women can be very influential in helping their husbands be better men of God." "Women can do so many things that men cannot... like give birth." ...as if child-bearing is the only thing we're good for. I hated feeling so inferior, unequal, stereotyped, judged, and insulted... in a place where God is supposedly present, in a place where everyone is supposed to be welcomed, supported, and loved, in a place that preaches nonviolence and nondiscrimination. But forget about me, what about my girls? This is the LAST message I want them to hear. I want them to respect everyone, but I want them to feel respected, of value, independent, and empowered... as people, and especially as women. I mean, I do know that people still support this view, but in the moment I just couldn't believe it. I'm still so hurt, confused, and feeling so disconnected.
Then, I went to Starbucks after work, hoping to clear my head a bit and just sit with myself. I had forgotten my travel mug, but I got my normal iced coffee anyway. Then, when I went to get a refill, instead of filling up the cup I had, the barista gave me a whole new cup, lid, and straw. I told her that I didn't need a whole new cup, and she said that the company just made a new "rule" that if someone gets a refill, they are required to provide them with an entirely new cup/lid/straw. Does this seem completely wrong and a blatant waste to anyone else!? I am livid. I assume there is a health/sanitary/germs factor in the reasoning for this decision, but can we weigh our options here? I know that it's sometimes inconvenient to recycle or do things intentionally for the environment... but this is our responsibility. We KNOW that we're polluting the earth, we know that we're destroying the environment... and we have the CHOICE to be intentional with every decision. I am far from perfect in my treatment of the environment... but I just don't understand why it's not more important, even despite business, marketing, and money. Maybe I'm being too idealistic. Maybe I'm being too sensitive.
But how can I do anything about this?
I know the small, everyday things I can do. Having informed, inclusive discussions with people, speaking out for what I believe in, doing my part in trying to always make intentional environmental choices.
...but what is that really doing? Do those small things really add up?
My roommate told me yesterday, "I really respect you and your reasons for being a vegetarian, but I just don't get how you as an individual are changing anything by not eating meat."
And it's a good question, because now I'm not so sure. What AM I really doing?
I mean, I know deep down in my heart that the little things count. And the reason I do those little things is because, knowing what I know and what I've learned... I can't just forget and stop thinking about these issues throughout each day, each conversation, each action, etc. I may not be changing the entire system, but I'm making a statement, and I know that I'm doing my best to combat what I think is wrong, and to support what I think is right. I know I can't give up, but when there are so many issues that surround me and frustrate me and are present everyday... it's overwhelming, and I feel like shutting down.
I know that things ebb and flow, and I will soon be reminded of the importance of my small contributions. For today, I am feeling helpless, shut down, and overwhelmed. But I also know that this is all a part of the journey, and of the growth process. And, however frustrating, I'm willing to keep going and to continue... whatever that entails.
Thanks for reading my (what seems like) endless rants. I know I owe my ability to sustain myself through these struggles to the immense amount of support and encouragement I have.
So... thank you, everyone.
