God,
"You're leaving us?"
My heart sinks.
It's changed.
It doesn't fit where it once did.
Broken, stretched, expanded...
to a depth never imagined.
Everyday.
You are real.
Tangible.
Honest.
Hurt.
Punished.
...why?
Strength I can't fathom.
Wisdom I can't achieve.
Courage I can't describe.
Love I can't return.
Faith I can't possess.
I-N-D-E-P-E-N-D-E-N-T.
...because I have to.
Inspired.
In awe.
In gratitude.
Always.
I can't properly put to words what I'm feeling. The days come and go, and my departure from San Antonio, from my work, and from this program becomes closer and closer. I'm not quite sure how to feel. I don't want to regret anything, but I'm feeling more and more sad that I did not choose to do a second year of this program. I know that I made that decision for a reason, and that I'm being prepared for what I'm getting closer to each day. But not knowing is causing me to dig my heels in harder than before. I'm looking for signs of affirmation that it's my time to leave or that something is my right next step, but I'm finding nothing. I trust God, and I trust the journey... but it feels wrong leaving something that I feel so connected to without moving on to something new that I feel excited about connecting with. I'm not sure if that makes any sense, or if it's just some feeling caused by desperation that, too, will pass... but I feel as though I'm walking around in the dark, trying to get to the end of a tunnel, but seeing no light to follow anywhere. I know that it is a blessing that I have been given to be here, to be at Seton Home, to be with my six roommates, to be in San Antonio... and maybe it really is going to be my time to leave. Maybe I'll find peace with having this beautiful experience be just that: a beautiful experience, which has changed me in countless ways, taught me about life, love, courage, and faith, and helped me come into my own. I feel incredible gratitude for all of that. Maybe my time here has given me exactly the tools I need to prepare me for whatever is next. Maybe God has bigger plans for me than I can even fathom. Maybe the best really is yet to come. ...Maybe I should start listening to myself during Youth Group.
