"The fact that you saw the world affected all your decisions..."
Yeah, yeah, okay. This may be a line from Lil' Wayne song, but somehow it really sums up my life post-JVC.
Let's start at the end. It was a cluster of emotions at the end of my JVC year. Firstly, stress. Planning a retreat for all of the girls (including a talk... given by me!), tying up loose ends at work, preparing for Nicole (new JV coming in), spending time with the girls and my coworkers, doing youth group every week and taking the girls to church each Sunday, and soaking up time with roommates and friends. Secondly, fatigue. I was running on no sleep, a terrible diet, and incredibly long (and wearing) hours at work. Thirdly, frustration (this word comes up a lot in this blog, doesn't it...) with the way things were happening at my agency. There was a lot of shifting of roles, people leaving, incredible divides between people and departments, and just a general feeling of distrust and frustration. It was very, very sad, and upsetting. That being said, I also felt extremely sad about leaving. Leaving San Antonio, a city where I had come to feel really at home and comfortable... My roommates, who although we had our issues, I had come to feel such love and appreciation for them and all our highs and lows and all that I had learned about life and about myself... An agency where I felt appreciated, loved, completely myself, and that I was doing work that I believed in and loved every day... but I had an especially hard time (and still do) putting into words how much it broke my heart to leave those girls. I did get some closure from the talk I gave at the retreat. It's a really nice, smart move on Seton Home's part - the JV's talk is the last talk of the day (no pressure, right?), so it's a wrap-up of the whole retreat/message, but it's also a chance for the JV to put words to her experience and to express to the girls what this experience (and all of them) has meant to her and taught her. I'm sure you all are thinking, "okay, so that sounds like constant tears for Kelsey" and though I was incredibly nervous about not being able to get through my talk (I'm just a little emotional...), I actually didn't cry. SHOCKER! I held it together pretty well. The girls know I love them, so I knew it didn't matter the words I said, even though I still feel like the words I said weren't even close to enough. Anyway, the girls were mildly upset to find out that I was leaving. I heard a lot of phrases like "Whatever, Miss Kelsey, you're just gonna leave us anyway," and "PLEASE don't leave us" and many other less-than-consoling phrases. I just tried to explain to them that a) I could never forget about them, and that I'd always be thinking of them and praying for them, and b) that a new girl was coming to do my job and she was AWESOME and they were going to love her! I think that the fact that I KNOW Nicole (we went to USD together, did retreats together, she's beyond fantastic) helped them to feel better about the transition. And, honestly, knowing that the girls would be in such good hands after I left, helped me to feel better about the transition, too.
So I worked right up until I left... which was a poor decision. I said goodbye to my roommates, one by one, taking them to the airport or seeing them off as they drove home, only to go right back to work or finishing something FOR work. Sheesh. Not much time to process anything, I'll tell you that much. One of the hardest things, besides saying goodbye to each roommate (SIX goodbyes in 4 days was rough...), was saying goodbye to Mary Kate and then being at my agency without her. She was such a huge part of not only my experience at work, but my JVC experience in general. It was her who helped me reach that level of comfort at work, where I felt my best self. It was strange to be without her at work and in San Antonio in general. Anyway, my last day of work was the day I flew out of San Antonio, which gave me much less than enough time (but what would be enough time?) to finish up my to-do list, show Nicole around, AND say my goodbyes and see-you-laters to my coworkers, all of the girls, two of my dearest roommates, and the city of San Antonio. See? Not the most genius plan I've ever had. It was a whirlwind. I couldn't find the right words or enough of them to express to people what this last year had meant to me. I wanted to say and express so many things. I wanted to thank them for helping me and letting me be the best version of myself, and for showing me the world. Or, at least a part of the world that will forever change me. I held it together pretty well until I actually drove away from my house. I couldn't help it; I cried all the way to the airport, through security, and as I sprinted (no, but seriously, I was minutes away from missing my flight) to my gate. It was surreal, and a mix of excitement to see my family, but incredible sadness to leave this place.
Since I've been home, I've been comfortable and so enjoying spending time with my mom, dad, sister, and few home friends that are still here in LA. I haven't spent this much time with them in 4 years, so it's been a blessing to be home in that respect. But I also find myself feeling a range of emotions. I feel incredibly homesick for San Antonio, my agency, the girls, and JVC. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't think about it. I feel sort of purposeless without a job, schedule, or many people around me. And I feel like I'm losing all motivation to challenge myself in any of the JVC values (Social Justice, Spirituality, Simplicity, Community) in my life now, and I feel myself falling back into old habits very quickly. It's hard for me to find motivation to get out there and try new things without anyone to do them with. That sounds silly as I write it, but this is a new thing for me, this new reality of being by myself more often than I'm with other people. Though I don't mind my alone time so much, I go through waves of loneliness without many people here in LA, and I sometimes tire of trying new things by myself (when, in fact, I choose to try them). Another struggle is sharing my experience with others. I crave talking about JVC and my girls and roommates and San Antonio, but I feel as though I can't fully articulate my experience. I want people to understand FULLY, but can they? I find myself wishing that people will ask me more questions than just "Well... how was it?" because the words just don't come easily or in short, concise sentences. I hope to gather my family and friends together soon, and have a sort of "welcome back" gathering, where the focus can be on what I actually did last year, and I can finally have an arena to share such a powerful, poignant experience with people I care so much about. I'm still without a job at this point, but I've been diligent and committed to my job search, sitting down for a few hours each day and searching, writing cover letters and editing my resume, applying, following up, etc. It's a wearing process, but I knew it would be long, so I'm trying to be gentle with myself. I also try to keep in mind what a privileged situation I'm in: being able to live at home, rent-free, with my loving family, while I look for a job. I know that right now the economy isn't booming and the job market is a struggle for many - so I try my best not to complain, and to keep in mind the many whose situations are not as comfortable as mine. I also have made sure to keep in touch as best I can with my former roommates, coworkers, JV friends and Nicole (the new JV at my agency). Having them to reflect with and their understanding of this whole transition has been invaluable. Words can't fully express my gratitude.
Though I miss JVC, San Antonio, my roommates, Seton Home, my coworkers, and the girls, every single day... I keep the things I learned about life, love, the world, faith, courage, and myself, very close to my heart in each moment. This experience and everyone in it will be forever a part of my witness to this life. It isn't over, and it won't be over anytime soon. It still comes up in my reflections, challenges me daily, informs my choices, and affects how I live my life every single day. I'm still processing all the things I learned. I feel like I've come into my own, a bit more. I learned so much about myself, what I believe, what I want, what challenges me, what brings me joy... I learned about people, compromise, accommodating for others... I saw what real courage looks like... I became really comfortable with having a broken faith... I experienced a different love than I've ever felt before, a care that goes beyond "like" and beyond any circumstances... I learned a whole lot about life, and I feel like I got a little bit closer to my best self. (Whoa, Kelsey... word vomit!) And those things are with me and within me, everyday and with everything I do.
I guess Lil' Wayne summed it up right: the fact that I saw the world really does affect ALL of my decisions.
Thank you everyone, for all of your continued support, prayers, and love. I could never have had this experience without those things, and without you. I am forever grateful and humbled by you, the incredible people in my life.
