I think if I had to choose a word that summed up this year, one that comes to mind is frustration.
Today, I took the girls to the nondenominational church we attend every other week. The service goes as follows: one hour of praise and worship (mostly music and singing), and then one hour of a sermon by the pastor. Now, I've been confused and frustrated by some sermon topics or points at this church in the past, but today was unreal. Today's topic was how "women need to know their place." I put it in quotes because that is word-for-word what the pastor said. I was shocked, and hoped that it somehow would end up with a redeeming message... but it didn't. "Women are powerful, but they need to know their place." "Women can be very influential in helping their husbands be better men of God." "Women can do so many things that men cannot... like give birth." ...as if child-bearing is the only thing we're good for. I hated feeling so inferior, unequal, stereotyped, judged, and insulted... in a place where God is supposedly present, in a place where everyone is supposed to be welcomed, supported, and loved, in a place that preaches nonviolence and nondiscrimination. But forget about me, what about my girls? This is the LAST message I want them to hear. I want them to respect everyone, but I want them to feel respected, of value, independent, and empowered... as people, and especially as women. I mean, I do know that people still support this view, but in the moment I just couldn't believe it. I'm still so hurt, confused, and feeling so disconnected.
Then, I went to Starbucks after work, hoping to clear my head a bit and just sit with myself. I had forgotten my travel mug, but I got my normal iced coffee anyway. Then, when I went to get a refill, instead of filling up the cup I had, the barista gave me a whole new cup, lid, and straw. I told her that I didn't need a whole new cup, and she said that the company just made a new "rule" that if someone gets a refill, they are required to provide them with an entirely new cup/lid/straw. Does this seem completely wrong and a blatant waste to anyone else!? I am livid. I assume there is a health/sanitary/germs factor in the reasoning for this decision, but can we weigh our options here? I know that it's sometimes inconvenient to recycle or do things intentionally for the environment... but this is our responsibility. We KNOW that we're polluting the earth, we know that we're destroying the environment... and we have the CHOICE to be intentional with every decision. I am far from perfect in my treatment of the environment... but I just don't understand why it's not more important, even despite business, marketing, and money. Maybe I'm being too idealistic. Maybe I'm being too sensitive.
But how can I do anything about this?
I know the small, everyday things I can do. Having informed, inclusive discussions with people, speaking out for what I believe in, doing my part in trying to always make intentional environmental choices.
...but what is that really doing? Do those small things really add up?
My roommate told me yesterday, "I really respect you and your reasons for being a vegetarian, but I just don't get how you as an individual are changing anything by not eating meat."
And it's a good question, because now I'm not so sure. What AM I really doing?
I mean, I know deep down in my heart that the little things count. And the reason I do those little things is because, knowing what I know and what I've learned... I can't just forget and stop thinking about these issues throughout each day, each conversation, each action, etc. I may not be changing the entire system, but I'm making a statement, and I know that I'm doing my best to combat what I think is wrong, and to support what I think is right. I know I can't give up, but when there are so many issues that surround me and frustrate me and are present everyday... it's overwhelming, and I feel like shutting down.
I know that things ebb and flow, and I will soon be reminded of the importance of my small contributions. For today, I am feeling helpless, shut down, and overwhelmed. But I also know that this is all a part of the journey, and of the growth process. And, however frustrating, I'm willing to keep going and to continue... whatever that entails.
Thanks for reading my (what seems like) endless rants. I know I owe my ability to sustain myself through these struggles to the immense amount of support and encouragement I have.
So... thank you, everyone.
Sunday, June 5, 2011
Tuesday, May 24, 2011
Love is right here, love is alive
So, I thought you all would appreciate this short story from work today.
The Board of my agency has a meeting every 2-3 months to discuss finances, policies, other updates, etc. As the Faith Formation Coordinator (so official), I always provide the opening prayer at these meetings. Recently, the CEO of my agency, Margret, had requested that a resident speak at each Board meeting, introduce themselves and how Seton Home has helped them, so the Board members can put a face to the cause they support.
For this month's meeting (today), I asked a certain resident to speak who had been at Seton Home for a while, has a 2 1/2 year old son, and had recently earned her GED.
She was incredibly poised, polite, and so mature as she walked around and introduced herself to each Board member.
When it was her time to speak, she was so calm, it seemed as though this was the 100th time she’d spoken in front of that many people.
She expressed, through tears, that Seton Home taught her that 1) you’re never alone, 2) that failure is not an option, and 3) how to be a good, nurturing parent.
She explained that Seton Home helped her accomplish things that she never would have accomplished if she had not been living here.
And THAT is what I work for everyday.
The Board of my agency has a meeting every 2-3 months to discuss finances, policies, other updates, etc. As the Faith Formation Coordinator (so official), I always provide the opening prayer at these meetings. Recently, the CEO of my agency, Margret, had requested that a resident speak at each Board meeting, introduce themselves and how Seton Home has helped them, so the Board members can put a face to the cause they support.
For this month's meeting (today), I asked a certain resident to speak who had been at Seton Home for a while, has a 2 1/2 year old son, and had recently earned her GED.
She was incredibly poised, polite, and so mature as she walked around and introduced herself to each Board member.
When it was her time to speak, she was so calm, it seemed as though this was the 100th time she’d spoken in front of that many people.
She expressed, through tears, that Seton Home taught her that 1) you’re never alone, 2) that failure is not an option, and 3) how to be a good, nurturing parent.
She explained that Seton Home helped her accomplish things that she never would have accomplished if she had not been living here.
And THAT is what I work for everyday.
Thursday, May 12, 2011
The show goes on
Hi y'all!
Boy has it been a whirlwind these past couple months!
Working in Spirituality, I've found that your schedule is really determined by the Church seasons. That being said, Lent was incredibly busy. I took it upon myself to put together a Lent Retreat for the girls and staff at Seton Home, much like the Lenten Retreat I participated in at USD. It included weekly meetings with me, and was centered around the themes of Lent, but really determined by them and what they were looking to focus on in their spiritual life. I can't explain the ways in which I was inspired by the girls and the staff. People's honest reflections and prayers were mind-blowing.
The past few weeks have been FILLED with a million different things. Paula (one of my best friends from USD) came out to visit for a second time! I know, I know, she's a rockstar. We had SUCH a great time! Now that I'm more adjusted here in San Anton (more so than the last time she visited), I was able to really take her around and show her all of my favorite places. She came to youth group, lunch with Brother Gus... we even visited Austin and ate at the most incredible cafe! It was exactly what I needed, in so many ways. Then, none other than the most fantastic woman in the world came to visit... that's right, you guessed it... MY MOM! Spending my birthday and Easter with her, and showing her around the life I've created here in the past 9 months, was beyond words. I had missed her so much, and it was so hard to drop her off at the airport this past Monday. Especially with my ever-present struggles with community, I dreaded dropping her off and going back to the everyday.
Speaking of community struggles... yes, they're still there. I'm sorry to bore you all with what seems like the same old stories, over and over again. However, unfortunately or fortunately (however you may see it) I may have come to a tipping point as of recently. What started this tipping point was my birthday two weekends ago. I don't see my birthday as the most important day of the year, but it IS important to ME. Long story short, on my birthday, most of my roommates were either out of town, out with their boyfriend, or just not really around. Mind you, my mom was in town, so at least I had her to be with, but my feelings were really hurt by my roommates. I felt like the day wasn't even acknowledged. (Now, as I type this, I feel like I sound incredibly whiny and selfish and petty, but I know that there was also a lot of built-up frustrations prior to my birthday) BUT, that's not to ignore the people who DID acknowledge and celebrate my birthday with me! That being my wonderful roommates Megan, Laura, Kait, and Christina, my mom, my grandma and aunt (who drove in from Houston!), Mary Kate, Nicholas (former volunteer from last year who was visiting), and all of my coworkers who showered me with lunches, cards, and fun outings the week after. AND all of the love I received from people from home was overwhelming. I definitely do not deserve the incredibly immense amount of love that I received that week - I will never be able to fully express all of my gratitude for each one of you.
Another exciting update is that I just returned home from a SILENT retreat! Last week, all of the JV communities in Texas gathered in Baton Rouge, LA, for a four day retreat. Almost three of those days were spent in silence! Though I was mildly apprehensive at first, I was more than ready for a break. I can't tell you how much I looked forward to a break from talking AND listening... at least for a few days. The retreat provided us with a lot of free time to do what we wanted, silently. There were opportunities for talking, like daily mass and meetings with our assigned spiritual director, but mostly it was up to each one of us how we made our retreat. Even meals were eaten in silence! The first day I spent more hours asleep than I did awake. I took THREE (yep, count them, THREE) naps - I clearly needed the rest. The second day I actually saw the light of day... because it was a breathtakingly beautiful day. I sat outside for 4 hours, just reading and enjoying nature. My time with my spiritual director (who's name is Jan and she was FANTASTIC) was focused around the theme of reconnecting with God and self-care. Though we only really scratched the surface on the spiritual struggles I've felt this year, Jan gave me an activity in which I wrote out a conversation with God... using different colors for me and for God. The activity allowed me to let out my frustrations, ask my questions, and express gratitude to God, and then just listen. Though I didn't get solutions, I received some consolation from the answers I felt. Jan affirmed me in my struggles with my faith, with feeling God, with how to emulate Jesus in trying community situations, and with the Church. The most incredible part of the retreat, however, was our Peace Prayer Vigil, in which we all signed up for 1-hour time slots throughout the night, and had a 12 hour prayer vigil. Each hour focused on a specific social issue (ex: homelessness, people who have been abused, war, etc.), and there were prayer journals to write in and a prayer cloth on which we all wrote our favorite peace quotes and images. The most amazing part, however, was reading all of the prayer journal entries from former volunteers from years past! It was overwhelming how powerful the presence of God was in that room and through those journals. I felt as though they were all IN that room with me, praying with me, and helping me sustain the hope that peace is possible. The retreat gave me the gift of time, and the opportunity to just... be. I really needed it, and, to be honest, I'm still craving that alone time now. The retreat also (as most retreats in my life have done) affirmed me and reminded me that I am loved and appreciated. At one point, I thought to myself "Just when you think you're not making a difference... you get affirmation that you are... in at least one small way... thanks, God." I honestly wish the retreat had been a few days longer.
From the retreat, 5 of us roommates drove 8 hours to Atlanta! (I know, I know... are we crazy!? YES!) We went to visit the volunteer community there and to explore a new city! It was fantastic to see the volunteers - they're another house of 7 girls! Their house was great... but we're now counting our blessings because they have to share 2 bathrooms for SEVEN girls, and we have 4 bathrooms! Phew. Anyway, we did a lot of exploring Atlanta - walked around downtown, got coffee at Morehouse College, sat and played at Piedmont Park, and spent time at the MLK memorial. Then, on Saturday night, the South Dakota, Mobile, and New Orleans communities also drove to Atlanta for our JVC Cinco De Mayo party! It was incredible catching up with my JV friends that I haven't seen for a few months - I had missed them! So, since we're crazy, we had to wake up at 5am and drive 15 HOURS back to San Antonio the next day. And, amazingly, we survived!
Now, I'm just getting back into the swing of things at work, and realizing that it's time to ACTUALLY start thinking about next year. Updates on THAT in my next blog entry.
I love you all, and miss you very much.
Thank you for keeping me in your prayers... you all are constantly and continuously in mine.
Peace, love, and grace,
Kelsey
Boy has it been a whirlwind these past couple months!
Working in Spirituality, I've found that your schedule is really determined by the Church seasons. That being said, Lent was incredibly busy. I took it upon myself to put together a Lent Retreat for the girls and staff at Seton Home, much like the Lenten Retreat I participated in at USD. It included weekly meetings with me, and was centered around the themes of Lent, but really determined by them and what they were looking to focus on in their spiritual life. I can't explain the ways in which I was inspired by the girls and the staff. People's honest reflections and prayers were mind-blowing.
The past few weeks have been FILLED with a million different things. Paula (one of my best friends from USD) came out to visit for a second time! I know, I know, she's a rockstar. We had SUCH a great time! Now that I'm more adjusted here in San Anton (more so than the last time she visited), I was able to really take her around and show her all of my favorite places. She came to youth group, lunch with Brother Gus... we even visited Austin and ate at the most incredible cafe! It was exactly what I needed, in so many ways. Then, none other than the most fantastic woman in the world came to visit... that's right, you guessed it... MY MOM! Spending my birthday and Easter with her, and showing her around the life I've created here in the past 9 months, was beyond words. I had missed her so much, and it was so hard to drop her off at the airport this past Monday. Especially with my ever-present struggles with community, I dreaded dropping her off and going back to the everyday.
Speaking of community struggles... yes, they're still there. I'm sorry to bore you all with what seems like the same old stories, over and over again. However, unfortunately or fortunately (however you may see it) I may have come to a tipping point as of recently. What started this tipping point was my birthday two weekends ago. I don't see my birthday as the most important day of the year, but it IS important to ME. Long story short, on my birthday, most of my roommates were either out of town, out with their boyfriend, or just not really around. Mind you, my mom was in town, so at least I had her to be with, but my feelings were really hurt by my roommates. I felt like the day wasn't even acknowledged. (Now, as I type this, I feel like I sound incredibly whiny and selfish and petty, but I know that there was also a lot of built-up frustrations prior to my birthday) BUT, that's not to ignore the people who DID acknowledge and celebrate my birthday with me! That being my wonderful roommates Megan, Laura, Kait, and Christina, my mom, my grandma and aunt (who drove in from Houston!), Mary Kate, Nicholas (former volunteer from last year who was visiting), and all of my coworkers who showered me with lunches, cards, and fun outings the week after. AND all of the love I received from people from home was overwhelming. I definitely do not deserve the incredibly immense amount of love that I received that week - I will never be able to fully express all of my gratitude for each one of you.
Another exciting update is that I just returned home from a SILENT retreat! Last week, all of the JV communities in Texas gathered in Baton Rouge, LA, for a four day retreat. Almost three of those days were spent in silence! Though I was mildly apprehensive at first, I was more than ready for a break. I can't tell you how much I looked forward to a break from talking AND listening... at least for a few days. The retreat provided us with a lot of free time to do what we wanted, silently. There were opportunities for talking, like daily mass and meetings with our assigned spiritual director, but mostly it was up to each one of us how we made our retreat. Even meals were eaten in silence! The first day I spent more hours asleep than I did awake. I took THREE (yep, count them, THREE) naps - I clearly needed the rest. The second day I actually saw the light of day... because it was a breathtakingly beautiful day. I sat outside for 4 hours, just reading and enjoying nature. My time with my spiritual director (who's name is Jan and she was FANTASTIC) was focused around the theme of reconnecting with God and self-care. Though we only really scratched the surface on the spiritual struggles I've felt this year, Jan gave me an activity in which I wrote out a conversation with God... using different colors for me and for God. The activity allowed me to let out my frustrations, ask my questions, and express gratitude to God, and then just listen. Though I didn't get solutions, I received some consolation from the answers I felt. Jan affirmed me in my struggles with my faith, with feeling God, with how to emulate Jesus in trying community situations, and with the Church. The most incredible part of the retreat, however, was our Peace Prayer Vigil, in which we all signed up for 1-hour time slots throughout the night, and had a 12 hour prayer vigil. Each hour focused on a specific social issue (ex: homelessness, people who have been abused, war, etc.), and there were prayer journals to write in and a prayer cloth on which we all wrote our favorite peace quotes and images. The most amazing part, however, was reading all of the prayer journal entries from former volunteers from years past! It was overwhelming how powerful the presence of God was in that room and through those journals. I felt as though they were all IN that room with me, praying with me, and helping me sustain the hope that peace is possible. The retreat gave me the gift of time, and the opportunity to just... be. I really needed it, and, to be honest, I'm still craving that alone time now. The retreat also (as most retreats in my life have done) affirmed me and reminded me that I am loved and appreciated. At one point, I thought to myself "Just when you think you're not making a difference... you get affirmation that you are... in at least one small way... thanks, God." I honestly wish the retreat had been a few days longer.
From the retreat, 5 of us roommates drove 8 hours to Atlanta! (I know, I know... are we crazy!? YES!) We went to visit the volunteer community there and to explore a new city! It was fantastic to see the volunteers - they're another house of 7 girls! Their house was great... but we're now counting our blessings because they have to share 2 bathrooms for SEVEN girls, and we have 4 bathrooms! Phew. Anyway, we did a lot of exploring Atlanta - walked around downtown, got coffee at Morehouse College, sat and played at Piedmont Park, and spent time at the MLK memorial. Then, on Saturday night, the South Dakota, Mobile, and New Orleans communities also drove to Atlanta for our JVC Cinco De Mayo party! It was incredible catching up with my JV friends that I haven't seen for a few months - I had missed them! So, since we're crazy, we had to wake up at 5am and drive 15 HOURS back to San Antonio the next day. And, amazingly, we survived!
Now, I'm just getting back into the swing of things at work, and realizing that it's time to ACTUALLY start thinking about next year. Updates on THAT in my next blog entry.
I love you all, and miss you very much.
Thank you for keeping me in your prayers... you all are constantly and continuously in mine.
Peace, love, and grace,
Kelsey
Thursday, February 17, 2011
'Cause I need freedom now, and I need to know how to live my life as it's meant to be
So, I'm writing this to you all from my death bed...
...just kidding.
But I was really sick a few weeks ago. Not sure where or how I got such awful germs (okay, I know, I work with teenagers and babies...), but I didn't leave my bed for 4 days. And four of my other roommates were sick with the same thing! Crazy stuff. BUT, I am feeling so much better now. It took about 3 weeks to completely get over, but for now, I'm healed!
So, where to start with my update?
Being home for Christmas and New Years was phenomenal. It felt so good to be there, and to spend some much-needed quality time with my family and friends. Highlights: NOLA reunion in San Diego, Christmas with both of my grandmas and my family, best friends Starbucks dates, Rose Bowl game with the fam, annual Christmas present-exchanging dinner, all-day adventure in San Diego, and a million other fabulous memories.
Coming back, I did feel a new energy and enthusiasm for work. It was nice getting a break to just rest and recharge. I recognize that I probably need to do that more often, so I don't get burnt out. It was a blur of a first week, and then the next week, it was time for Re-O! (Re-Orientation, or, our Mid-Year JVC Retreat) All of the JV communities in the South region gathered together in Leakey, Texas for a 4-day retreat focused on social justice. It was, well, interesting. Lecture heavy, which was informative, but also a lot to take in. Also, we were put into discussion groups based on the population we worked with. Though originally I was in the "teenagers" group, which is appropriate, my other group member got sick and had to leave the retreat. Thus, I was put into another group... "people who are homeless." While, yes, this is technically the population I work with, the other volunteers in my group all work at homeless shelters as case managers or something similar. I quickly realized that my position and experience is just vastly different from the others in my group. They were discussing Section 8 vouchers, subsidized housing, government housing, etc... things that I hear about from my coworkers, but do not work with directly in my daily schedule. The retreat was focused on social change as structural change, and, quite frankly, the whole weekend left me with a feeling that I was not contributing to social change at all. I mean, I love my job, and I would not change it for the world - it brings me more joy than I thought possible. But the discussion groups and lectures were focused on these tangible changes we were making... and my contributions of youth group meetings and Sunday church just didn't seem tangible enough. I felt useless, sad, embarrassed, defeated, etc. However, I was asked to give a reflection at the mass on the last day of the retreat. A volunteer from Mobile, AL, and myself were asked to prepare and give reflections on the intersection of spirituality and social justice in our experience thus far. Writing and giving the reflection gave me ample space to reflect on my contributions to social justice through my job, and the power of the experience I was having. I left the retreat with higher spirits and the passion for my work reignited.
As for other things going on, I continue to really struggle with community. I'm just sort of at a loss. Of course, this feeling comes and goes, but as of lately I am almost bursting with frustration. It hasn't necessarily gotten worse or anything, but it hasn't really gotten better either. I'm just... frustrated. I'm frustrated that our community is completely divided, and everyone talks behind everyone else's back, but doesn't tell each other. I'm frustrated because decisions are never made with everyone considered or even knowing what's going on. I'm frustrated that because people bought gym memberships, our dinners all together have become obsolete. I'm frustrated that our weekly Community and Spirituality nights that we're supposed to plan and do together (part of the JVC program) are dreaded every single week, and that neither "night" is EVER longer than 20 minutes. I'm frustrated that the focus is often on where we're going out, and that that sometimes determines our schedule. I'm frustrated that (I feel like) we're not committed to ANY of the JVC values (community, spirituality, social justice, simplicity). I'm frustrated that we're not being socially conscious, and any socially-conscious decisions made are attacked and mocked (ie, vegetarianism). I'm frustrated that I'm put in a box (maybe unintentionally, I don't know) with Megan being "the spiritual ones." I'm frustrated that trying to talk to people about issues is a lot like talking to a brick wall. I'm frustrated with the lack of accommodation, humility, selflessness, patience, and authenticity. And I'm frustrated with myself, because I'm obviously projecting what I think a JVC community should be onto them. And that's not fair. But where's the line? And how do I reconcile all of this? I guess I'm mostly frustrated because I'm still asking these questions. I guess maybe these questions never end.
But I PROMISE that things aren't ALL bad. I still love work more and more every single day... really. The girls teach me something new everyday, and even when they're frustrating, I still enjoy hanging out with them so much. I know I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be. And as for community, I do find it to be life-giving at certain times, and especially with certain people. They know who they are. As Megan (my roommate now and great friend from USD) reminds me often... I have to remember to not only focus on the things that challenge me, but also to reflect on and engage myself in the places and people in which I find consolation in this struggle. Work is definitely that consolation, without a doubt. And as for people, obviously Megan is one place I go to seek consolation, and find it every single time. I am consistently inspired by her faith and her commitment to this program. She embodies everything we learned at USD, and reminds me daily to not dwell on what's gone, but to carry those memories and experiences with me everywhere I go. I do not know what I would have done without her here. Truly. Another person I cannot express enough gratitude for is my coworker (the former volunteer in my position), Mary Kate. She has quickly become a great friend, and a crucial part of my experience here. She affirms and supports me in everything, and listens to my rants that I'm sure seem to last for days. She has been a huge source of consolation for me, when I feel like giving up and throwing in the towel. If there is such a thing as kindred spirits, I think she's it.
Phew!
Okay, so I promise to be better about blogging more often.
Blogs to come in the next week or two: really sweet stories of conversations with girls I work with, frustrating comments from coworkers, adorable baby pictures, my experience standing up to my peers for something I believe in, fighting for social justice in my house, and reflection on my recent attempts to try a vegan diet!
Stay tuned!
Peace, love, and prayers,
Kels
...just kidding.
But I was really sick a few weeks ago. Not sure where or how I got such awful germs (okay, I know, I work with teenagers and babies...), but I didn't leave my bed for 4 days. And four of my other roommates were sick with the same thing! Crazy stuff. BUT, I am feeling so much better now. It took about 3 weeks to completely get over, but for now, I'm healed!
So, where to start with my update?
Being home for Christmas and New Years was phenomenal. It felt so good to be there, and to spend some much-needed quality time with my family and friends. Highlights: NOLA reunion in San Diego, Christmas with both of my grandmas and my family, best friends Starbucks dates, Rose Bowl game with the fam, annual Christmas present-exchanging dinner, all-day adventure in San Diego, and a million other fabulous memories.
Coming back, I did feel a new energy and enthusiasm for work. It was nice getting a break to just rest and recharge. I recognize that I probably need to do that more often, so I don't get burnt out. It was a blur of a first week, and then the next week, it was time for Re-O! (Re-Orientation, or, our Mid-Year JVC Retreat) All of the JV communities in the South region gathered together in Leakey, Texas for a 4-day retreat focused on social justice. It was, well, interesting. Lecture heavy, which was informative, but also a lot to take in. Also, we were put into discussion groups based on the population we worked with. Though originally I was in the "teenagers" group, which is appropriate, my other group member got sick and had to leave the retreat. Thus, I was put into another group... "people who are homeless." While, yes, this is technically the population I work with, the other volunteers in my group all work at homeless shelters as case managers or something similar. I quickly realized that my position and experience is just vastly different from the others in my group. They were discussing Section 8 vouchers, subsidized housing, government housing, etc... things that I hear about from my coworkers, but do not work with directly in my daily schedule. The retreat was focused on social change as structural change, and, quite frankly, the whole weekend left me with a feeling that I was not contributing to social change at all. I mean, I love my job, and I would not change it for the world - it brings me more joy than I thought possible. But the discussion groups and lectures were focused on these tangible changes we were making... and my contributions of youth group meetings and Sunday church just didn't seem tangible enough. I felt useless, sad, embarrassed, defeated, etc. However, I was asked to give a reflection at the mass on the last day of the retreat. A volunteer from Mobile, AL, and myself were asked to prepare and give reflections on the intersection of spirituality and social justice in our experience thus far. Writing and giving the reflection gave me ample space to reflect on my contributions to social justice through my job, and the power of the experience I was having. I left the retreat with higher spirits and the passion for my work reignited.
As for other things going on, I continue to really struggle with community. I'm just sort of at a loss. Of course, this feeling comes and goes, but as of lately I am almost bursting with frustration. It hasn't necessarily gotten worse or anything, but it hasn't really gotten better either. I'm just... frustrated. I'm frustrated that our community is completely divided, and everyone talks behind everyone else's back, but doesn't tell each other. I'm frustrated because decisions are never made with everyone considered or even knowing what's going on. I'm frustrated that because people bought gym memberships, our dinners all together have become obsolete. I'm frustrated that our weekly Community and Spirituality nights that we're supposed to plan and do together (part of the JVC program) are dreaded every single week, and that neither "night" is EVER longer than 20 minutes. I'm frustrated that the focus is often on where we're going out, and that that sometimes determines our schedule. I'm frustrated that (I feel like) we're not committed to ANY of the JVC values (community, spirituality, social justice, simplicity). I'm frustrated that we're not being socially conscious, and any socially-conscious decisions made are attacked and mocked (ie, vegetarianism). I'm frustrated that I'm put in a box (maybe unintentionally, I don't know) with Megan being "the spiritual ones." I'm frustrated that trying to talk to people about issues is a lot like talking to a brick wall. I'm frustrated with the lack of accommodation, humility, selflessness, patience, and authenticity. And I'm frustrated with myself, because I'm obviously projecting what I think a JVC community should be onto them. And that's not fair. But where's the line? And how do I reconcile all of this? I guess I'm mostly frustrated because I'm still asking these questions. I guess maybe these questions never end.
But I PROMISE that things aren't ALL bad. I still love work more and more every single day... really. The girls teach me something new everyday, and even when they're frustrating, I still enjoy hanging out with them so much. I know I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be. And as for community, I do find it to be life-giving at certain times, and especially with certain people. They know who they are. As Megan (my roommate now and great friend from USD) reminds me often... I have to remember to not only focus on the things that challenge me, but also to reflect on and engage myself in the places and people in which I find consolation in this struggle. Work is definitely that consolation, without a doubt. And as for people, obviously Megan is one place I go to seek consolation, and find it every single time. I am consistently inspired by her faith and her commitment to this program. She embodies everything we learned at USD, and reminds me daily to not dwell on what's gone, but to carry those memories and experiences with me everywhere I go. I do not know what I would have done without her here. Truly. Another person I cannot express enough gratitude for is my coworker (the former volunteer in my position), Mary Kate. She has quickly become a great friend, and a crucial part of my experience here. She affirms and supports me in everything, and listens to my rants that I'm sure seem to last for days. She has been a huge source of consolation for me, when I feel like giving up and throwing in the towel. If there is such a thing as kindred spirits, I think she's it.
Phew!
Okay, so I promise to be better about blogging more often.
Blogs to come in the next week or two: really sweet stories of conversations with girls I work with, frustrating comments from coworkers, adorable baby pictures, my experience standing up to my peers for something I believe in, fighting for social justice in my house, and reflection on my recent attempts to try a vegan diet!
Stay tuned!
Peace, love, and prayers,
Kels
Friday, December 17, 2010
And I might still cry, and I might still bleed, and I might still crash... but I still believe.
So, it's about 4 days until I head home for Christmas! Thus, I can hardly focus on anything but being with my family and friends, and getting some time to recuperate and refocus. I feel myself dragging my feet and struggling to complete anything or do anything 100%... which is frustrating. So, while I'm fighting the stress of Christmas presents on a stipend and how that's going to work... I think this break is coming at a good time.
This past weekend, my roommates and I roadtripped first to Houston, Texas, and stayed the night with the other Jesuit Volunteers, and then drove 6 more hours east to New Orleans! I can't tell you how good it felt to be back there. The spirit of that city is something else. Kait, Janine, Laura, and myself walked around the French Quarter, chowed down on PoBoy sandwiches, inhaled delicious coffee and beignets from Cafe du Monde, and then spent the night out with the New Orleans Jesuit Volunteers (who are awesome, by the way). We had a great time! But that's not all. The next day, we all (our community and the New Orleans communities) all drove to Mobile, Alabama for the JVC South Christmas party! We met up with two of our other roommates, Christina and Owen, and most of the other Jesuit Volunteer communities in the South region! It was incredible to reconnect with all of the people I had met at orientation and to see how their experience is going. The next morning we all piled in the car and drove 11 hours home to San Anton! Overall, great weekend of many laughs, many miles, and many new friendships.
Last night, we had our last youth group for the year. We watched The Nativity Story, and then talked about what it was all about. It was so powerful for me to watch it with the girls, because they have such a strong connection with Mary and her life. I explained to them that connection they have with Mary, since she was about their age (roughly) when she was pregnant with and gave birth to Jesus. They were shocked! "Miss Kelsey, I thought she was in her 20's or something!" I think it was powerful for them, too, to see such a brave and faith-filled person that had been where they've been. I can't say it enough: I am consistently impressed and inspired by these girls. They are such a beautiful representation of Mary in my life and all of her qualities that I would like to emulate. They are so brave, and, despite fear, doubt, and trauma, they said "Yes" to something that required so much responsibility and sacrifice, sometimes much more than they could afford. And, yet, they accept this challenge in a very real way - with fear and uncertainty, but with courage and love. They have shown me the ways in which I would like to be like Mary in my life much more than any book, Bible verse, or reflection ever has.
Also, yesterday as I was holding a baby of one of the girls while she cleaned her room, she told me, "Miss Kelsey, you should have a kid. You look like you're ready to be a mom."
Sweet? Frightening? ...still not sure.
This past weekend, my roommates and I roadtripped first to Houston, Texas, and stayed the night with the other Jesuit Volunteers, and then drove 6 more hours east to New Orleans! I can't tell you how good it felt to be back there. The spirit of that city is something else. Kait, Janine, Laura, and myself walked around the French Quarter, chowed down on PoBoy sandwiches, inhaled delicious coffee and beignets from Cafe du Monde, and then spent the night out with the New Orleans Jesuit Volunteers (who are awesome, by the way). We had a great time! But that's not all. The next day, we all (our community and the New Orleans communities) all drove to Mobile, Alabama for the JVC South Christmas party! We met up with two of our other roommates, Christina and Owen, and most of the other Jesuit Volunteer communities in the South region! It was incredible to reconnect with all of the people I had met at orientation and to see how their experience is going. The next morning we all piled in the car and drove 11 hours home to San Anton! Overall, great weekend of many laughs, many miles, and many new friendships.
Last night, we had our last youth group for the year. We watched The Nativity Story, and then talked about what it was all about. It was so powerful for me to watch it with the girls, because they have such a strong connection with Mary and her life. I explained to them that connection they have with Mary, since she was about their age (roughly) when she was pregnant with and gave birth to Jesus. They were shocked! "Miss Kelsey, I thought she was in her 20's or something!" I think it was powerful for them, too, to see such a brave and faith-filled person that had been where they've been. I can't say it enough: I am consistently impressed and inspired by these girls. They are such a beautiful representation of Mary in my life and all of her qualities that I would like to emulate. They are so brave, and, despite fear, doubt, and trauma, they said "Yes" to something that required so much responsibility and sacrifice, sometimes much more than they could afford. And, yet, they accept this challenge in a very real way - with fear and uncertainty, but with courage and love. They have shown me the ways in which I would like to be like Mary in my life much more than any book, Bible verse, or reflection ever has.
Also, yesterday as I was holding a baby of one of the girls while she cleaned her room, she told me, "Miss Kelsey, you should have a kid. You look like you're ready to be a mom."
Sweet? Frightening? ...still not sure.
Thursday, November 18, 2010
Is there a home for the homeless? Is there hope for the hopeless?
So, a few updates.
Initially, this was going to be the main focus of my entry, but I figure I should give y'all something more than just my rants. Anyway, there's this one social issue that I just can't seem to get past, and has, for some reason, been a huge source of frustration for me. As most of you know, I am a vegetarian, and have been for about 2 1/2 years now. I thought doing JVC would be an environment that accepted and supported the choice that I have made. However, I have been met with the complete opposite. Especially in my house, I am made to feel badly and "picky" for being a vegetarian. I feel as though I am a burden, even though there are two other members of my house who are vegetarians. With coworkers and people in the community, I'm met with less animosity, but more confusion. "Oh, you're a vegetarian...?" I never really felt strange or such a burden being a vegetarian until I came here. And I get especially frustrated because no one asks me WHY I chose to be a vegetarian. Everyone looks at me like I'm a vegetarian because I don't like meat. You don't think I would love to have bacon in the morning? You don't think I miss having chicken in my salad? You don't think I'd like to have more than 3 choices on a menu when I go out? Well, I would like all those things. However, for me, being a vegetarian is not about giving up meat... it's a social issue. It's about feeling uncomfortable NOT knowing where my meat comes from, or what they put into it to make it look/taste the way it does. It's about the statistics that say that meat production factories are responsible for almost half of air pollution. It's about the horrific way both animals and farmers are treated. I just don't understand why my belief is not being respected. Or, at least that's the way I feel. I know it's up to me to defend my beliefs and, besides, a responsibility that I think comes with being a vegetarian is creating awareness. I know that me not eating meat is not making a whole lot of change with the meat industry, so I think it's important to couple my vegetarianism with being proactive. But that's something I really need to be better at.
Anyway, enough of that. I have been working a whole lot, which has been great... until I got a stomach virus. It was only a matter of time until all those germs got to me, I suppose! But it hit me last Saturday, and I'm just now getting back to normal. I'll spare you all the gross details, but I am so grateful to be feeling good enough to eat normal food and to be able to drink coffee again!
As far as Youth Group goes, conflicting schedules have made it hard to schedule/plan, so it's been on hold for the past two weeks. But finally I had a normal night of Youth Group last night. Our meeting revolved around gratefulness, obviously. Only one girl came, which was initially frustrating because I had so many cool things (well, I thought they were cool...) planned. But she was wonderful, and we talked about gratefulness, but also about some things going on her life that she's worried about. We wrote thank-you cards to people in our lives that we're grateful for, and we also talked about being grateful for the struggles, challenges, and limitations present in our lives, and the good things that ultimately come from them.
One more big update is that... ::drum roll please:: I'M COMING HOME FOR THANKSGIVING! I really can't express how excited I am. This break is coming at an absolutely perfect time, actually. I just feel myself needing a little break from, well, everything. Not that anything is bad or unbearable... actually quite the opposite. I love my job so much that I sometimes work too much, and I am working hard on intentionality so I make sure I am as present as I can be with my community. But after 3 months, I feel myself just needing some self-time, and some time with my family. And even more exciting, I get to visit San Diego, too! Very, very briefly, but still. I'm going to fly out of SD back to San Antonio, so I'll be there on the Monday after Thanksgiving, just for a few hours. Can't wait to be back home and in a place of so much comfort. And I really can't wait to share my life with everyone back home and really be able to invite everyone into my experience more. It's going to be amazing, and much needed.
Anywho, that's all for now.
Hope you're all doing well and I'd love to hear updates on your lives and what you're doing!
Thank you again for your constant support, prayers, and love.
I wouldn't be here without y'all.
Peace and love,
Kels
Initially, this was going to be the main focus of my entry, but I figure I should give y'all something more than just my rants. Anyway, there's this one social issue that I just can't seem to get past, and has, for some reason, been a huge source of frustration for me. As most of you know, I am a vegetarian, and have been for about 2 1/2 years now. I thought doing JVC would be an environment that accepted and supported the choice that I have made. However, I have been met with the complete opposite. Especially in my house, I am made to feel badly and "picky" for being a vegetarian. I feel as though I am a burden, even though there are two other members of my house who are vegetarians. With coworkers and people in the community, I'm met with less animosity, but more confusion. "Oh, you're a vegetarian...?" I never really felt strange or such a burden being a vegetarian until I came here. And I get especially frustrated because no one asks me WHY I chose to be a vegetarian. Everyone looks at me like I'm a vegetarian because I don't like meat. You don't think I would love to have bacon in the morning? You don't think I miss having chicken in my salad? You don't think I'd like to have more than 3 choices on a menu when I go out? Well, I would like all those things. However, for me, being a vegetarian is not about giving up meat... it's a social issue. It's about feeling uncomfortable NOT knowing where my meat comes from, or what they put into it to make it look/taste the way it does. It's about the statistics that say that meat production factories are responsible for almost half of air pollution. It's about the horrific way both animals and farmers are treated. I just don't understand why my belief is not being respected. Or, at least that's the way I feel. I know it's up to me to defend my beliefs and, besides, a responsibility that I think comes with being a vegetarian is creating awareness. I know that me not eating meat is not making a whole lot of change with the meat industry, so I think it's important to couple my vegetarianism with being proactive. But that's something I really need to be better at.
Anyway, enough of that. I have been working a whole lot, which has been great... until I got a stomach virus. It was only a matter of time until all those germs got to me, I suppose! But it hit me last Saturday, and I'm just now getting back to normal. I'll spare you all the gross details, but I am so grateful to be feeling good enough to eat normal food and to be able to drink coffee again!
As far as Youth Group goes, conflicting schedules have made it hard to schedule/plan, so it's been on hold for the past two weeks. But finally I had a normal night of Youth Group last night. Our meeting revolved around gratefulness, obviously. Only one girl came, which was initially frustrating because I had so many cool things (well, I thought they were cool...) planned. But she was wonderful, and we talked about gratefulness, but also about some things going on her life that she's worried about. We wrote thank-you cards to people in our lives that we're grateful for, and we also talked about being grateful for the struggles, challenges, and limitations present in our lives, and the good things that ultimately come from them.
One more big update is that... ::drum roll please:: I'M COMING HOME FOR THANKSGIVING! I really can't express how excited I am. This break is coming at an absolutely perfect time, actually. I just feel myself needing a little break from, well, everything. Not that anything is bad or unbearable... actually quite the opposite. I love my job so much that I sometimes work too much, and I am working hard on intentionality so I make sure I am as present as I can be with my community. But after 3 months, I feel myself just needing some self-time, and some time with my family. And even more exciting, I get to visit San Diego, too! Very, very briefly, but still. I'm going to fly out of SD back to San Antonio, so I'll be there on the Monday after Thanksgiving, just for a few hours. Can't wait to be back home and in a place of so much comfort. And I really can't wait to share my life with everyone back home and really be able to invite everyone into my experience more. It's going to be amazing, and much needed.
Anywho, that's all for now.
Hope you're all doing well and I'd love to hear updates on your lives and what you're doing!
Thank you again for your constant support, prayers, and love.
I wouldn't be here without y'all.
Peace and love,
Kels
Monday, October 25, 2010
I'm a new soul, I came into this strange world hoping I could learn a bit about how to give and take
Hey everyone!
The days seriously FLY by here... it’s already been a month since I last blogged!
Two weekends ago, one of my best friends, Paula, came to visit! It was beyond amazing to have her here. And she came on the BEST weekend! Right when she got in, she came and participated in Youth Group on Thursday evening, and jumped right in with all the girls! They loved her and we all had a fun and girly time just hanging out together. I was so glad she got a glimpse into the way I know the girls, rather than just the surface level that so many others see. Then on Friday, Paula came to work with me, and later in the evening we (obviously) did the pub run, a San Antonio staple! On Saturday, we went to “Huevolution,” a breakfast fundraiser for a nonprofit organization in our neighborhood, and then we went out to be tourists in San Antonio! Megan (my roommate and friend from USD) came with us as we explored the Alamo, downtown San Antonio, and one of the oldest cathedrals in the U.S., San Fernando Cathedral. It was so much fun being able to explore the city! We also showed Paula our favorite San Antonio spot - Madhatters coffee shop. That night, Paula and I went out to dinner and walked along the River Walk - it’s so pretty at night! On Sunday, we went to mass at OLG (Our Lady of Guadalupe) and then spent almost all day at the parish festival! We helped with the making and selling of raspas, or snowcones. Monday morning, Paula came with me to work, staff prayer, and got to meet many of my coworkers and the moms at Seton Home. On Monday evening, I took her to the airport and felt awful the rest of the night. I felt like my incredible San Diego life had come to visit me and I remembered again what I was so homesick for. I struggled more with what I’m doing here and why, but I also reflected further and remembered how alive I felt bringing Paula INTO the work I’m doing and my life here.
Other than that, work has been great but incredibly exhausting. I pretty much work 7 days a week. There’s always something on Saturday and then I help with taking the moms to church on Sundays. And then it’s Monday again. I absolutely love my job and being there and everything I do and participate in, but I have to make sure I take time off where I can, because it really can wear on you after a while. I realize I have to keep my own flame lit before I can help to light other’s.
Also, just for a little food for thought, I'm struggling a little - see if any of you can help me reflect. So, this whole JVC/volunteer service thing is so interesting to me. I wrote in my blog a while ago that one of the moms said to me (after I explained JVC to her) that "you don't have any kids, and that's why you can afford to do this." So, she's 100% right. This is a result of my privilege that I'm able to step away from my "normal" life (which is privileged) and "sacrifice" all of those privileges I have, in order to come here and live "simply" and in "solidarity" with the people I'm serving. BUT, my question is, is this really solidarity? And how pretentious am I, making such a "sacrifice" to live like THEM. As if I'm this martyr... please. The people I'm serving don't have the CHOICE to live the way they do. And I feel like everyone just praises us constantly, too, like "oh you're doing such a good thing" and gives us all these free things... when it's like, this would NOT happen with a normal person who is living a modest lifestyle on next to nothing because they don't have any other choice. And I'm starting to feel uncomfortable and resentful of that praise. Ah! I just wonder, does this vicious cycle ever stop? I mean, even this 1 year volunteer program I'm doing is a result of my privilege. I guess, like I had written before, "to whom much has been given, much is expected," but still... I’m just not sure how to reconcile this. However, I have been reading Mother Teresa’s book “No Greater Love,” and I came across a part of it that calmed me a bit in my struggle. She writes, “In order for us to understand and to be able to help those who lack everything, we have to live as they live. The difference lies only in the fact that those we aid are poor by force, whereas we are poor by choice.” A good friend of mine said that the importance is in the CHOICE we make to be in solidarity - it’s about the intention. And although the people we’re serving do not have that choice to make, at least we made this choice to attempt to recognize their life and their dignity and to build relationships and be changed by those relationships... instead of the alternative. Right?
There’s so much more, but I’ll leave you with a poem written by my girls in Youth Group. We all wrote individual poems about our unique characteristics and different things about us, as we reflected on who we are and who God has made us to be. Then we picked our favorite lines from each of our poems, and put it all together to make our Youth Group poem. Enjoy! :)
“I Am...”
I cry when I watch Pocahontas
I wonder what my purpose is
I hope that someday everything I want will come true
I dream to become the world’s best mother
I understand that everything takes time
I feel like I’m exactly where I’m supposed to be
I want to change the world
And finally, a closing prayer said by one of the wonderful moms:
“Thank you, God, for being at your best, even when we’re at our worst.”
Love you all and miss everyone so much!
Peace,
Kels
The days seriously FLY by here... it’s already been a month since I last blogged!
Two weekends ago, one of my best friends, Paula, came to visit! It was beyond amazing to have her here. And she came on the BEST weekend! Right when she got in, she came and participated in Youth Group on Thursday evening, and jumped right in with all the girls! They loved her and we all had a fun and girly time just hanging out together. I was so glad she got a glimpse into the way I know the girls, rather than just the surface level that so many others see. Then on Friday, Paula came to work with me, and later in the evening we (obviously) did the pub run, a San Antonio staple! On Saturday, we went to “Huevolution,” a breakfast fundraiser for a nonprofit organization in our neighborhood, and then we went out to be tourists in San Antonio! Megan (my roommate and friend from USD) came with us as we explored the Alamo, downtown San Antonio, and one of the oldest cathedrals in the U.S., San Fernando Cathedral. It was so much fun being able to explore the city! We also showed Paula our favorite San Antonio spot - Madhatters coffee shop. That night, Paula and I went out to dinner and walked along the River Walk - it’s so pretty at night! On Sunday, we went to mass at OLG (Our Lady of Guadalupe) and then spent almost all day at the parish festival! We helped with the making and selling of raspas, or snowcones. Monday morning, Paula came with me to work, staff prayer, and got to meet many of my coworkers and the moms at Seton Home. On Monday evening, I took her to the airport and felt awful the rest of the night. I felt like my incredible San Diego life had come to visit me and I remembered again what I was so homesick for. I struggled more with what I’m doing here and why, but I also reflected further and remembered how alive I felt bringing Paula INTO the work I’m doing and my life here.
Other than that, work has been great but incredibly exhausting. I pretty much work 7 days a week. There’s always something on Saturday and then I help with taking the moms to church on Sundays. And then it’s Monday again. I absolutely love my job and being there and everything I do and participate in, but I have to make sure I take time off where I can, because it really can wear on you after a while. I realize I have to keep my own flame lit before I can help to light other’s.
Also, just for a little food for thought, I'm struggling a little - see if any of you can help me reflect. So, this whole JVC/volunteer service thing is so interesting to me. I wrote in my blog a while ago that one of the moms said to me (after I explained JVC to her) that "you don't have any kids, and that's why you can afford to do this." So, she's 100% right. This is a result of my privilege that I'm able to step away from my "normal" life (which is privileged) and "sacrifice" all of those privileges I have, in order to come here and live "simply" and in "solidarity" with the people I'm serving. BUT, my question is, is this really solidarity? And how pretentious am I, making such a "sacrifice" to live like THEM. As if I'm this martyr... please. The people I'm serving don't have the CHOICE to live the way they do. And I feel like everyone just praises us constantly, too, like "oh you're doing such a good thing" and gives us all these free things... when it's like, this would NOT happen with a normal person who is living a modest lifestyle on next to nothing because they don't have any other choice. And I'm starting to feel uncomfortable and resentful of that praise. Ah! I just wonder, does this vicious cycle ever stop? I mean, even this 1 year volunteer program I'm doing is a result of my privilege. I guess, like I had written before, "to whom much has been given, much is expected," but still... I’m just not sure how to reconcile this. However, I have been reading Mother Teresa’s book “No Greater Love,” and I came across a part of it that calmed me a bit in my struggle. She writes, “In order for us to understand and to be able to help those who lack everything, we have to live as they live. The difference lies only in the fact that those we aid are poor by force, whereas we are poor by choice.” A good friend of mine said that the importance is in the CHOICE we make to be in solidarity - it’s about the intention. And although the people we’re serving do not have that choice to make, at least we made this choice to attempt to recognize their life and their dignity and to build relationships and be changed by those relationships... instead of the alternative. Right?
There’s so much more, but I’ll leave you with a poem written by my girls in Youth Group. We all wrote individual poems about our unique characteristics and different things about us, as we reflected on who we are and who God has made us to be. Then we picked our favorite lines from each of our poems, and put it all together to make our Youth Group poem. Enjoy! :)
“I Am...”
I cry when I watch Pocahontas
I wonder what my purpose is
I hope that someday everything I want will come true
I dream to become the world’s best mother
I understand that everything takes time
I feel like I’m exactly where I’m supposed to be
I want to change the world
And finally, a closing prayer said by one of the wonderful moms:
“Thank you, God, for being at your best, even when we’re at our worst.”
Love you all and miss everyone so much!
Peace,
Kels
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