"The fact that you saw the world affected all your decisions..."
Yeah, yeah, okay. This may be a line from Lil' Wayne song, but somehow it really sums up my life post-JVC.
Let's start at the end. It was a cluster of emotions at the end of my JVC year. Firstly, stress. Planning a retreat for all of the girls (including a talk... given by me!), tying up loose ends at work, preparing for Nicole (new JV coming in), spending time with the girls and my coworkers, doing youth group every week and taking the girls to church each Sunday, and soaking up time with roommates and friends. Secondly, fatigue. I was running on no sleep, a terrible diet, and incredibly long (and wearing) hours at work. Thirdly, frustration (this word comes up a lot in this blog, doesn't it...) with the way things were happening at my agency. There was a lot of shifting of roles, people leaving, incredible divides between people and departments, and just a general feeling of distrust and frustration. It was very, very sad, and upsetting. That being said, I also felt extremely sad about leaving. Leaving San Antonio, a city where I had come to feel really at home and comfortable... My roommates, who although we had our issues, I had come to feel such love and appreciation for them and all our highs and lows and all that I had learned about life and about myself... An agency where I felt appreciated, loved, completely myself, and that I was doing work that I believed in and loved every day... but I had an especially hard time (and still do) putting into words how much it broke my heart to leave those girls. I did get some closure from the talk I gave at the retreat. It's a really nice, smart move on Seton Home's part - the JV's talk is the last talk of the day (no pressure, right?), so it's a wrap-up of the whole retreat/message, but it's also a chance for the JV to put words to her experience and to express to the girls what this experience (and all of them) has meant to her and taught her. I'm sure you all are thinking, "okay, so that sounds like constant tears for Kelsey" and though I was incredibly nervous about not being able to get through my talk (I'm just a little emotional...), I actually didn't cry. SHOCKER! I held it together pretty well. The girls know I love them, so I knew it didn't matter the words I said, even though I still feel like the words I said weren't even close to enough. Anyway, the girls were mildly upset to find out that I was leaving. I heard a lot of phrases like "Whatever, Miss Kelsey, you're just gonna leave us anyway," and "PLEASE don't leave us" and many other less-than-consoling phrases. I just tried to explain to them that a) I could never forget about them, and that I'd always be thinking of them and praying for them, and b) that a new girl was coming to do my job and she was AWESOME and they were going to love her! I think that the fact that I KNOW Nicole (we went to USD together, did retreats together, she's beyond fantastic) helped them to feel better about the transition. And, honestly, knowing that the girls would be in such good hands after I left, helped me to feel better about the transition, too.
So I worked right up until I left... which was a poor decision. I said goodbye to my roommates, one by one, taking them to the airport or seeing them off as they drove home, only to go right back to work or finishing something FOR work. Sheesh. Not much time to process anything, I'll tell you that much. One of the hardest things, besides saying goodbye to each roommate (SIX goodbyes in 4 days was rough...), was saying goodbye to Mary Kate and then being at my agency without her. She was such a huge part of not only my experience at work, but my JVC experience in general. It was her who helped me reach that level of comfort at work, where I felt my best self. It was strange to be without her at work and in San Antonio in general. Anyway, my last day of work was the day I flew out of San Antonio, which gave me much less than enough time (but what would be enough time?) to finish up my to-do list, show Nicole around, AND say my goodbyes and see-you-laters to my coworkers, all of the girls, two of my dearest roommates, and the city of San Antonio. See? Not the most genius plan I've ever had. It was a whirlwind. I couldn't find the right words or enough of them to express to people what this last year had meant to me. I wanted to say and express so many things. I wanted to thank them for helping me and letting me be the best version of myself, and for showing me the world. Or, at least a part of the world that will forever change me. I held it together pretty well until I actually drove away from my house. I couldn't help it; I cried all the way to the airport, through security, and as I sprinted (no, but seriously, I was minutes away from missing my flight) to my gate. It was surreal, and a mix of excitement to see my family, but incredible sadness to leave this place.
Since I've been home, I've been comfortable and so enjoying spending time with my mom, dad, sister, and few home friends that are still here in LA. I haven't spent this much time with them in 4 years, so it's been a blessing to be home in that respect. But I also find myself feeling a range of emotions. I feel incredibly homesick for San Antonio, my agency, the girls, and JVC. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't think about it. I feel sort of purposeless without a job, schedule, or many people around me. And I feel like I'm losing all motivation to challenge myself in any of the JVC values (Social Justice, Spirituality, Simplicity, Community) in my life now, and I feel myself falling back into old habits very quickly. It's hard for me to find motivation to get out there and try new things without anyone to do them with. That sounds silly as I write it, but this is a new thing for me, this new reality of being by myself more often than I'm with other people. Though I don't mind my alone time so much, I go through waves of loneliness without many people here in LA, and I sometimes tire of trying new things by myself (when, in fact, I choose to try them). Another struggle is sharing my experience with others. I crave talking about JVC and my girls and roommates and San Antonio, but I feel as though I can't fully articulate my experience. I want people to understand FULLY, but can they? I find myself wishing that people will ask me more questions than just "Well... how was it?" because the words just don't come easily or in short, concise sentences. I hope to gather my family and friends together soon, and have a sort of "welcome back" gathering, where the focus can be on what I actually did last year, and I can finally have an arena to share such a powerful, poignant experience with people I care so much about. I'm still without a job at this point, but I've been diligent and committed to my job search, sitting down for a few hours each day and searching, writing cover letters and editing my resume, applying, following up, etc. It's a wearing process, but I knew it would be long, so I'm trying to be gentle with myself. I also try to keep in mind what a privileged situation I'm in: being able to live at home, rent-free, with my loving family, while I look for a job. I know that right now the economy isn't booming and the job market is a struggle for many - so I try my best not to complain, and to keep in mind the many whose situations are not as comfortable as mine. I also have made sure to keep in touch as best I can with my former roommates, coworkers, JV friends and Nicole (the new JV at my agency). Having them to reflect with and their understanding of this whole transition has been invaluable. Words can't fully express my gratitude.
Though I miss JVC, San Antonio, my roommates, Seton Home, my coworkers, and the girls, every single day... I keep the things I learned about life, love, the world, faith, courage, and myself, very close to my heart in each moment. This experience and everyone in it will be forever a part of my witness to this life. It isn't over, and it won't be over anytime soon. It still comes up in my reflections, challenges me daily, informs my choices, and affects how I live my life every single day. I'm still processing all the things I learned. I feel like I've come into my own, a bit more. I learned so much about myself, what I believe, what I want, what challenges me, what brings me joy... I learned about people, compromise, accommodating for others... I saw what real courage looks like... I became really comfortable with having a broken faith... I experienced a different love than I've ever felt before, a care that goes beyond "like" and beyond any circumstances... I learned a whole lot about life, and I feel like I got a little bit closer to my best self. (Whoa, Kelsey... word vomit!) And those things are with me and within me, everyday and with everything I do.
I guess Lil' Wayne summed it up right: the fact that I saw the world really does affect ALL of my decisions.
Thank you everyone, for all of your continued support, prayers, and love. I could never have had this experience without those things, and without you. I am forever grateful and humbled by you, the incredible people in my life.
Monday, November 7, 2011
Tuesday, July 5, 2011
"If love makes the world go 'round... then I think we need some more."
God,
"You're leaving us?"
My heart sinks.
It's changed.
It doesn't fit where it once did.
Broken, stretched, expanded...
to a depth never imagined.
Everyday.
You are real.
Tangible.
Honest.
Hurt.
Punished.
...why?
Strength I can't fathom.
Wisdom I can't achieve.
Courage I can't describe.
Love I can't return.
Faith I can't possess.
I-N-D-E-P-E-N-D-E-N-T.
...because I have to.
Inspired.
In awe.
In gratitude.
Always.
I can't properly put to words what I'm feeling. The days come and go, and my departure from San Antonio, from my work, and from this program becomes closer and closer. I'm not quite sure how to feel. I don't want to regret anything, but I'm feeling more and more sad that I did not choose to do a second year of this program. I know that I made that decision for a reason, and that I'm being prepared for what I'm getting closer to each day. But not knowing is causing me to dig my heels in harder than before. I'm looking for signs of affirmation that it's my time to leave or that something is my right next step, but I'm finding nothing. I trust God, and I trust the journey... but it feels wrong leaving something that I feel so connected to without moving on to something new that I feel excited about connecting with. I'm not sure if that makes any sense, or if it's just some feeling caused by desperation that, too, will pass... but I feel as though I'm walking around in the dark, trying to get to the end of a tunnel, but seeing no light to follow anywhere. I know that it is a blessing that I have been given to be here, to be at Seton Home, to be with my six roommates, to be in San Antonio... and maybe it really is going to be my time to leave. Maybe I'll find peace with having this beautiful experience be just that: a beautiful experience, which has changed me in countless ways, taught me about life, love, courage, and faith, and helped me come into my own. I feel incredible gratitude for all of that. Maybe my time here has given me exactly the tools I need to prepare me for whatever is next. Maybe God has bigger plans for me than I can even fathom. Maybe the best really is yet to come. ...Maybe I should start listening to myself during Youth Group.
"You're leaving us?"
My heart sinks.
It's changed.
It doesn't fit where it once did.
Broken, stretched, expanded...
to a depth never imagined.
Everyday.
You are real.
Tangible.
Honest.
Hurt.
Punished.
...why?
Strength I can't fathom.
Wisdom I can't achieve.
Courage I can't describe.
Love I can't return.
Faith I can't possess.
I-N-D-E-P-E-N-D-E-N-T.
...because I have to.
Inspired.
In awe.
In gratitude.
Always.
I can't properly put to words what I'm feeling. The days come and go, and my departure from San Antonio, from my work, and from this program becomes closer and closer. I'm not quite sure how to feel. I don't want to regret anything, but I'm feeling more and more sad that I did not choose to do a second year of this program. I know that I made that decision for a reason, and that I'm being prepared for what I'm getting closer to each day. But not knowing is causing me to dig my heels in harder than before. I'm looking for signs of affirmation that it's my time to leave or that something is my right next step, but I'm finding nothing. I trust God, and I trust the journey... but it feels wrong leaving something that I feel so connected to without moving on to something new that I feel excited about connecting with. I'm not sure if that makes any sense, or if it's just some feeling caused by desperation that, too, will pass... but I feel as though I'm walking around in the dark, trying to get to the end of a tunnel, but seeing no light to follow anywhere. I know that it is a blessing that I have been given to be here, to be at Seton Home, to be with my six roommates, to be in San Antonio... and maybe it really is going to be my time to leave. Maybe I'll find peace with having this beautiful experience be just that: a beautiful experience, which has changed me in countless ways, taught me about life, love, courage, and faith, and helped me come into my own. I feel incredible gratitude for all of that. Maybe my time here has given me exactly the tools I need to prepare me for whatever is next. Maybe God has bigger plans for me than I can even fathom. Maybe the best really is yet to come. ...Maybe I should start listening to myself during Youth Group.
Sunday, June 5, 2011
Close enough to start a war. All that I have is on the floor.
I think if I had to choose a word that summed up this year, one that comes to mind is frustration.
Today, I took the girls to the nondenominational church we attend every other week. The service goes as follows: one hour of praise and worship (mostly music and singing), and then one hour of a sermon by the pastor. Now, I've been confused and frustrated by some sermon topics or points at this church in the past, but today was unreal. Today's topic was how "women need to know their place." I put it in quotes because that is word-for-word what the pastor said. I was shocked, and hoped that it somehow would end up with a redeeming message... but it didn't. "Women are powerful, but they need to know their place." "Women can be very influential in helping their husbands be better men of God." "Women can do so many things that men cannot... like give birth." ...as if child-bearing is the only thing we're good for. I hated feeling so inferior, unequal, stereotyped, judged, and insulted... in a place where God is supposedly present, in a place where everyone is supposed to be welcomed, supported, and loved, in a place that preaches nonviolence and nondiscrimination. But forget about me, what about my girls? This is the LAST message I want them to hear. I want them to respect everyone, but I want them to feel respected, of value, independent, and empowered... as people, and especially as women. I mean, I do know that people still support this view, but in the moment I just couldn't believe it. I'm still so hurt, confused, and feeling so disconnected.
Then, I went to Starbucks after work, hoping to clear my head a bit and just sit with myself. I had forgotten my travel mug, but I got my normal iced coffee anyway. Then, when I went to get a refill, instead of filling up the cup I had, the barista gave me a whole new cup, lid, and straw. I told her that I didn't need a whole new cup, and she said that the company just made a new "rule" that if someone gets a refill, they are required to provide them with an entirely new cup/lid/straw. Does this seem completely wrong and a blatant waste to anyone else!? I am livid. I assume there is a health/sanitary/germs factor in the reasoning for this decision, but can we weigh our options here? I know that it's sometimes inconvenient to recycle or do things intentionally for the environment... but this is our responsibility. We KNOW that we're polluting the earth, we know that we're destroying the environment... and we have the CHOICE to be intentional with every decision. I am far from perfect in my treatment of the environment... but I just don't understand why it's not more important, even despite business, marketing, and money. Maybe I'm being too idealistic. Maybe I'm being too sensitive.
But how can I do anything about this?
I know the small, everyday things I can do. Having informed, inclusive discussions with people, speaking out for what I believe in, doing my part in trying to always make intentional environmental choices.
...but what is that really doing? Do those small things really add up?
My roommate told me yesterday, "I really respect you and your reasons for being a vegetarian, but I just don't get how you as an individual are changing anything by not eating meat."
And it's a good question, because now I'm not so sure. What AM I really doing?
I mean, I know deep down in my heart that the little things count. And the reason I do those little things is because, knowing what I know and what I've learned... I can't just forget and stop thinking about these issues throughout each day, each conversation, each action, etc. I may not be changing the entire system, but I'm making a statement, and I know that I'm doing my best to combat what I think is wrong, and to support what I think is right. I know I can't give up, but when there are so many issues that surround me and frustrate me and are present everyday... it's overwhelming, and I feel like shutting down.
I know that things ebb and flow, and I will soon be reminded of the importance of my small contributions. For today, I am feeling helpless, shut down, and overwhelmed. But I also know that this is all a part of the journey, and of the growth process. And, however frustrating, I'm willing to keep going and to continue... whatever that entails.
Thanks for reading my (what seems like) endless rants. I know I owe my ability to sustain myself through these struggles to the immense amount of support and encouragement I have.
So... thank you, everyone.
Today, I took the girls to the nondenominational church we attend every other week. The service goes as follows: one hour of praise and worship (mostly music and singing), and then one hour of a sermon by the pastor. Now, I've been confused and frustrated by some sermon topics or points at this church in the past, but today was unreal. Today's topic was how "women need to know their place." I put it in quotes because that is word-for-word what the pastor said. I was shocked, and hoped that it somehow would end up with a redeeming message... but it didn't. "Women are powerful, but they need to know their place." "Women can be very influential in helping their husbands be better men of God." "Women can do so many things that men cannot... like give birth." ...as if child-bearing is the only thing we're good for. I hated feeling so inferior, unequal, stereotyped, judged, and insulted... in a place where God is supposedly present, in a place where everyone is supposed to be welcomed, supported, and loved, in a place that preaches nonviolence and nondiscrimination. But forget about me, what about my girls? This is the LAST message I want them to hear. I want them to respect everyone, but I want them to feel respected, of value, independent, and empowered... as people, and especially as women. I mean, I do know that people still support this view, but in the moment I just couldn't believe it. I'm still so hurt, confused, and feeling so disconnected.
Then, I went to Starbucks after work, hoping to clear my head a bit and just sit with myself. I had forgotten my travel mug, but I got my normal iced coffee anyway. Then, when I went to get a refill, instead of filling up the cup I had, the barista gave me a whole new cup, lid, and straw. I told her that I didn't need a whole new cup, and she said that the company just made a new "rule" that if someone gets a refill, they are required to provide them with an entirely new cup/lid/straw. Does this seem completely wrong and a blatant waste to anyone else!? I am livid. I assume there is a health/sanitary/germs factor in the reasoning for this decision, but can we weigh our options here? I know that it's sometimes inconvenient to recycle or do things intentionally for the environment... but this is our responsibility. We KNOW that we're polluting the earth, we know that we're destroying the environment... and we have the CHOICE to be intentional with every decision. I am far from perfect in my treatment of the environment... but I just don't understand why it's not more important, even despite business, marketing, and money. Maybe I'm being too idealistic. Maybe I'm being too sensitive.
But how can I do anything about this?
I know the small, everyday things I can do. Having informed, inclusive discussions with people, speaking out for what I believe in, doing my part in trying to always make intentional environmental choices.
...but what is that really doing? Do those small things really add up?
My roommate told me yesterday, "I really respect you and your reasons for being a vegetarian, but I just don't get how you as an individual are changing anything by not eating meat."
And it's a good question, because now I'm not so sure. What AM I really doing?
I mean, I know deep down in my heart that the little things count. And the reason I do those little things is because, knowing what I know and what I've learned... I can't just forget and stop thinking about these issues throughout each day, each conversation, each action, etc. I may not be changing the entire system, but I'm making a statement, and I know that I'm doing my best to combat what I think is wrong, and to support what I think is right. I know I can't give up, but when there are so many issues that surround me and frustrate me and are present everyday... it's overwhelming, and I feel like shutting down.
I know that things ebb and flow, and I will soon be reminded of the importance of my small contributions. For today, I am feeling helpless, shut down, and overwhelmed. But I also know that this is all a part of the journey, and of the growth process. And, however frustrating, I'm willing to keep going and to continue... whatever that entails.
Thanks for reading my (what seems like) endless rants. I know I owe my ability to sustain myself through these struggles to the immense amount of support and encouragement I have.
So... thank you, everyone.
Tuesday, May 24, 2011
Love is right here, love is alive
So, I thought you all would appreciate this short story from work today.
The Board of my agency has a meeting every 2-3 months to discuss finances, policies, other updates, etc. As the Faith Formation Coordinator (so official), I always provide the opening prayer at these meetings. Recently, the CEO of my agency, Margret, had requested that a resident speak at each Board meeting, introduce themselves and how Seton Home has helped them, so the Board members can put a face to the cause they support.
For this month's meeting (today), I asked a certain resident to speak who had been at Seton Home for a while, has a 2 1/2 year old son, and had recently earned her GED.
She was incredibly poised, polite, and so mature as she walked around and introduced herself to each Board member.
When it was her time to speak, she was so calm, it seemed as though this was the 100th time she’d spoken in front of that many people.
She expressed, through tears, that Seton Home taught her that 1) you’re never alone, 2) that failure is not an option, and 3) how to be a good, nurturing parent.
She explained that Seton Home helped her accomplish things that she never would have accomplished if she had not been living here.
And THAT is what I work for everyday.
The Board of my agency has a meeting every 2-3 months to discuss finances, policies, other updates, etc. As the Faith Formation Coordinator (so official), I always provide the opening prayer at these meetings. Recently, the CEO of my agency, Margret, had requested that a resident speak at each Board meeting, introduce themselves and how Seton Home has helped them, so the Board members can put a face to the cause they support.
For this month's meeting (today), I asked a certain resident to speak who had been at Seton Home for a while, has a 2 1/2 year old son, and had recently earned her GED.
She was incredibly poised, polite, and so mature as she walked around and introduced herself to each Board member.
When it was her time to speak, she was so calm, it seemed as though this was the 100th time she’d spoken in front of that many people.
She expressed, through tears, that Seton Home taught her that 1) you’re never alone, 2) that failure is not an option, and 3) how to be a good, nurturing parent.
She explained that Seton Home helped her accomplish things that she never would have accomplished if she had not been living here.
And THAT is what I work for everyday.
Thursday, May 12, 2011
The show goes on
Hi y'all!
Boy has it been a whirlwind these past couple months!
Working in Spirituality, I've found that your schedule is really determined by the Church seasons. That being said, Lent was incredibly busy. I took it upon myself to put together a Lent Retreat for the girls and staff at Seton Home, much like the Lenten Retreat I participated in at USD. It included weekly meetings with me, and was centered around the themes of Lent, but really determined by them and what they were looking to focus on in their spiritual life. I can't explain the ways in which I was inspired by the girls and the staff. People's honest reflections and prayers were mind-blowing.
The past few weeks have been FILLED with a million different things. Paula (one of my best friends from USD) came out to visit for a second time! I know, I know, she's a rockstar. We had SUCH a great time! Now that I'm more adjusted here in San Anton (more so than the last time she visited), I was able to really take her around and show her all of my favorite places. She came to youth group, lunch with Brother Gus... we even visited Austin and ate at the most incredible cafe! It was exactly what I needed, in so many ways. Then, none other than the most fantastic woman in the world came to visit... that's right, you guessed it... MY MOM! Spending my birthday and Easter with her, and showing her around the life I've created here in the past 9 months, was beyond words. I had missed her so much, and it was so hard to drop her off at the airport this past Monday. Especially with my ever-present struggles with community, I dreaded dropping her off and going back to the everyday.
Speaking of community struggles... yes, they're still there. I'm sorry to bore you all with what seems like the same old stories, over and over again. However, unfortunately or fortunately (however you may see it) I may have come to a tipping point as of recently. What started this tipping point was my birthday two weekends ago. I don't see my birthday as the most important day of the year, but it IS important to ME. Long story short, on my birthday, most of my roommates were either out of town, out with their boyfriend, or just not really around. Mind you, my mom was in town, so at least I had her to be with, but my feelings were really hurt by my roommates. I felt like the day wasn't even acknowledged. (Now, as I type this, I feel like I sound incredibly whiny and selfish and petty, but I know that there was also a lot of built-up frustrations prior to my birthday) BUT, that's not to ignore the people who DID acknowledge and celebrate my birthday with me! That being my wonderful roommates Megan, Laura, Kait, and Christina, my mom, my grandma and aunt (who drove in from Houston!), Mary Kate, Nicholas (former volunteer from last year who was visiting), and all of my coworkers who showered me with lunches, cards, and fun outings the week after. AND all of the love I received from people from home was overwhelming. I definitely do not deserve the incredibly immense amount of love that I received that week - I will never be able to fully express all of my gratitude for each one of you.
Another exciting update is that I just returned home from a SILENT retreat! Last week, all of the JV communities in Texas gathered in Baton Rouge, LA, for a four day retreat. Almost three of those days were spent in silence! Though I was mildly apprehensive at first, I was more than ready for a break. I can't tell you how much I looked forward to a break from talking AND listening... at least for a few days. The retreat provided us with a lot of free time to do what we wanted, silently. There were opportunities for talking, like daily mass and meetings with our assigned spiritual director, but mostly it was up to each one of us how we made our retreat. Even meals were eaten in silence! The first day I spent more hours asleep than I did awake. I took THREE (yep, count them, THREE) naps - I clearly needed the rest. The second day I actually saw the light of day... because it was a breathtakingly beautiful day. I sat outside for 4 hours, just reading and enjoying nature. My time with my spiritual director (who's name is Jan and she was FANTASTIC) was focused around the theme of reconnecting with God and self-care. Though we only really scratched the surface on the spiritual struggles I've felt this year, Jan gave me an activity in which I wrote out a conversation with God... using different colors for me and for God. The activity allowed me to let out my frustrations, ask my questions, and express gratitude to God, and then just listen. Though I didn't get solutions, I received some consolation from the answers I felt. Jan affirmed me in my struggles with my faith, with feeling God, with how to emulate Jesus in trying community situations, and with the Church. The most incredible part of the retreat, however, was our Peace Prayer Vigil, in which we all signed up for 1-hour time slots throughout the night, and had a 12 hour prayer vigil. Each hour focused on a specific social issue (ex: homelessness, people who have been abused, war, etc.), and there were prayer journals to write in and a prayer cloth on which we all wrote our favorite peace quotes and images. The most amazing part, however, was reading all of the prayer journal entries from former volunteers from years past! It was overwhelming how powerful the presence of God was in that room and through those journals. I felt as though they were all IN that room with me, praying with me, and helping me sustain the hope that peace is possible. The retreat gave me the gift of time, and the opportunity to just... be. I really needed it, and, to be honest, I'm still craving that alone time now. The retreat also (as most retreats in my life have done) affirmed me and reminded me that I am loved and appreciated. At one point, I thought to myself "Just when you think you're not making a difference... you get affirmation that you are... in at least one small way... thanks, God." I honestly wish the retreat had been a few days longer.
From the retreat, 5 of us roommates drove 8 hours to Atlanta! (I know, I know... are we crazy!? YES!) We went to visit the volunteer community there and to explore a new city! It was fantastic to see the volunteers - they're another house of 7 girls! Their house was great... but we're now counting our blessings because they have to share 2 bathrooms for SEVEN girls, and we have 4 bathrooms! Phew. Anyway, we did a lot of exploring Atlanta - walked around downtown, got coffee at Morehouse College, sat and played at Piedmont Park, and spent time at the MLK memorial. Then, on Saturday night, the South Dakota, Mobile, and New Orleans communities also drove to Atlanta for our JVC Cinco De Mayo party! It was incredible catching up with my JV friends that I haven't seen for a few months - I had missed them! So, since we're crazy, we had to wake up at 5am and drive 15 HOURS back to San Antonio the next day. And, amazingly, we survived!
Now, I'm just getting back into the swing of things at work, and realizing that it's time to ACTUALLY start thinking about next year. Updates on THAT in my next blog entry.
I love you all, and miss you very much.
Thank you for keeping me in your prayers... you all are constantly and continuously in mine.
Peace, love, and grace,
Kelsey
Boy has it been a whirlwind these past couple months!
Working in Spirituality, I've found that your schedule is really determined by the Church seasons. That being said, Lent was incredibly busy. I took it upon myself to put together a Lent Retreat for the girls and staff at Seton Home, much like the Lenten Retreat I participated in at USD. It included weekly meetings with me, and was centered around the themes of Lent, but really determined by them and what they were looking to focus on in their spiritual life. I can't explain the ways in which I was inspired by the girls and the staff. People's honest reflections and prayers were mind-blowing.
The past few weeks have been FILLED with a million different things. Paula (one of my best friends from USD) came out to visit for a second time! I know, I know, she's a rockstar. We had SUCH a great time! Now that I'm more adjusted here in San Anton (more so than the last time she visited), I was able to really take her around and show her all of my favorite places. She came to youth group, lunch with Brother Gus... we even visited Austin and ate at the most incredible cafe! It was exactly what I needed, in so many ways. Then, none other than the most fantastic woman in the world came to visit... that's right, you guessed it... MY MOM! Spending my birthday and Easter with her, and showing her around the life I've created here in the past 9 months, was beyond words. I had missed her so much, and it was so hard to drop her off at the airport this past Monday. Especially with my ever-present struggles with community, I dreaded dropping her off and going back to the everyday.
Speaking of community struggles... yes, they're still there. I'm sorry to bore you all with what seems like the same old stories, over and over again. However, unfortunately or fortunately (however you may see it) I may have come to a tipping point as of recently. What started this tipping point was my birthday two weekends ago. I don't see my birthday as the most important day of the year, but it IS important to ME. Long story short, on my birthday, most of my roommates were either out of town, out with their boyfriend, or just not really around. Mind you, my mom was in town, so at least I had her to be with, but my feelings were really hurt by my roommates. I felt like the day wasn't even acknowledged. (Now, as I type this, I feel like I sound incredibly whiny and selfish and petty, but I know that there was also a lot of built-up frustrations prior to my birthday) BUT, that's not to ignore the people who DID acknowledge and celebrate my birthday with me! That being my wonderful roommates Megan, Laura, Kait, and Christina, my mom, my grandma and aunt (who drove in from Houston!), Mary Kate, Nicholas (former volunteer from last year who was visiting), and all of my coworkers who showered me with lunches, cards, and fun outings the week after. AND all of the love I received from people from home was overwhelming. I definitely do not deserve the incredibly immense amount of love that I received that week - I will never be able to fully express all of my gratitude for each one of you.
Another exciting update is that I just returned home from a SILENT retreat! Last week, all of the JV communities in Texas gathered in Baton Rouge, LA, for a four day retreat. Almost three of those days were spent in silence! Though I was mildly apprehensive at first, I was more than ready for a break. I can't tell you how much I looked forward to a break from talking AND listening... at least for a few days. The retreat provided us with a lot of free time to do what we wanted, silently. There were opportunities for talking, like daily mass and meetings with our assigned spiritual director, but mostly it was up to each one of us how we made our retreat. Even meals were eaten in silence! The first day I spent more hours asleep than I did awake. I took THREE (yep, count them, THREE) naps - I clearly needed the rest. The second day I actually saw the light of day... because it was a breathtakingly beautiful day. I sat outside for 4 hours, just reading and enjoying nature. My time with my spiritual director (who's name is Jan and she was FANTASTIC) was focused around the theme of reconnecting with God and self-care. Though we only really scratched the surface on the spiritual struggles I've felt this year, Jan gave me an activity in which I wrote out a conversation with God... using different colors for me and for God. The activity allowed me to let out my frustrations, ask my questions, and express gratitude to God, and then just listen. Though I didn't get solutions, I received some consolation from the answers I felt. Jan affirmed me in my struggles with my faith, with feeling God, with how to emulate Jesus in trying community situations, and with the Church. The most incredible part of the retreat, however, was our Peace Prayer Vigil, in which we all signed up for 1-hour time slots throughout the night, and had a 12 hour prayer vigil. Each hour focused on a specific social issue (ex: homelessness, people who have been abused, war, etc.), and there were prayer journals to write in and a prayer cloth on which we all wrote our favorite peace quotes and images. The most amazing part, however, was reading all of the prayer journal entries from former volunteers from years past! It was overwhelming how powerful the presence of God was in that room and through those journals. I felt as though they were all IN that room with me, praying with me, and helping me sustain the hope that peace is possible. The retreat gave me the gift of time, and the opportunity to just... be. I really needed it, and, to be honest, I'm still craving that alone time now. The retreat also (as most retreats in my life have done) affirmed me and reminded me that I am loved and appreciated. At one point, I thought to myself "Just when you think you're not making a difference... you get affirmation that you are... in at least one small way... thanks, God." I honestly wish the retreat had been a few days longer.
From the retreat, 5 of us roommates drove 8 hours to Atlanta! (I know, I know... are we crazy!? YES!) We went to visit the volunteer community there and to explore a new city! It was fantastic to see the volunteers - they're another house of 7 girls! Their house was great... but we're now counting our blessings because they have to share 2 bathrooms for SEVEN girls, and we have 4 bathrooms! Phew. Anyway, we did a lot of exploring Atlanta - walked around downtown, got coffee at Morehouse College, sat and played at Piedmont Park, and spent time at the MLK memorial. Then, on Saturday night, the South Dakota, Mobile, and New Orleans communities also drove to Atlanta for our JVC Cinco De Mayo party! It was incredible catching up with my JV friends that I haven't seen for a few months - I had missed them! So, since we're crazy, we had to wake up at 5am and drive 15 HOURS back to San Antonio the next day. And, amazingly, we survived!
Now, I'm just getting back into the swing of things at work, and realizing that it's time to ACTUALLY start thinking about next year. Updates on THAT in my next blog entry.
I love you all, and miss you very much.
Thank you for keeping me in your prayers... you all are constantly and continuously in mine.
Peace, love, and grace,
Kelsey
Thursday, February 17, 2011
'Cause I need freedom now, and I need to know how to live my life as it's meant to be
So, I'm writing this to you all from my death bed...
...just kidding.
But I was really sick a few weeks ago. Not sure where or how I got such awful germs (okay, I know, I work with teenagers and babies...), but I didn't leave my bed for 4 days. And four of my other roommates were sick with the same thing! Crazy stuff. BUT, I am feeling so much better now. It took about 3 weeks to completely get over, but for now, I'm healed!
So, where to start with my update?
Being home for Christmas and New Years was phenomenal. It felt so good to be there, and to spend some much-needed quality time with my family and friends. Highlights: NOLA reunion in San Diego, Christmas with both of my grandmas and my family, best friends Starbucks dates, Rose Bowl game with the fam, annual Christmas present-exchanging dinner, all-day adventure in San Diego, and a million other fabulous memories.
Coming back, I did feel a new energy and enthusiasm for work. It was nice getting a break to just rest and recharge. I recognize that I probably need to do that more often, so I don't get burnt out. It was a blur of a first week, and then the next week, it was time for Re-O! (Re-Orientation, or, our Mid-Year JVC Retreat) All of the JV communities in the South region gathered together in Leakey, Texas for a 4-day retreat focused on social justice. It was, well, interesting. Lecture heavy, which was informative, but also a lot to take in. Also, we were put into discussion groups based on the population we worked with. Though originally I was in the "teenagers" group, which is appropriate, my other group member got sick and had to leave the retreat. Thus, I was put into another group... "people who are homeless." While, yes, this is technically the population I work with, the other volunteers in my group all work at homeless shelters as case managers or something similar. I quickly realized that my position and experience is just vastly different from the others in my group. They were discussing Section 8 vouchers, subsidized housing, government housing, etc... things that I hear about from my coworkers, but do not work with directly in my daily schedule. The retreat was focused on social change as structural change, and, quite frankly, the whole weekend left me with a feeling that I was not contributing to social change at all. I mean, I love my job, and I would not change it for the world - it brings me more joy than I thought possible. But the discussion groups and lectures were focused on these tangible changes we were making... and my contributions of youth group meetings and Sunday church just didn't seem tangible enough. I felt useless, sad, embarrassed, defeated, etc. However, I was asked to give a reflection at the mass on the last day of the retreat. A volunteer from Mobile, AL, and myself were asked to prepare and give reflections on the intersection of spirituality and social justice in our experience thus far. Writing and giving the reflection gave me ample space to reflect on my contributions to social justice through my job, and the power of the experience I was having. I left the retreat with higher spirits and the passion for my work reignited.
As for other things going on, I continue to really struggle with community. I'm just sort of at a loss. Of course, this feeling comes and goes, but as of lately I am almost bursting with frustration. It hasn't necessarily gotten worse or anything, but it hasn't really gotten better either. I'm just... frustrated. I'm frustrated that our community is completely divided, and everyone talks behind everyone else's back, but doesn't tell each other. I'm frustrated because decisions are never made with everyone considered or even knowing what's going on. I'm frustrated that because people bought gym memberships, our dinners all together have become obsolete. I'm frustrated that our weekly Community and Spirituality nights that we're supposed to plan and do together (part of the JVC program) are dreaded every single week, and that neither "night" is EVER longer than 20 minutes. I'm frustrated that the focus is often on where we're going out, and that that sometimes determines our schedule. I'm frustrated that (I feel like) we're not committed to ANY of the JVC values (community, spirituality, social justice, simplicity). I'm frustrated that we're not being socially conscious, and any socially-conscious decisions made are attacked and mocked (ie, vegetarianism). I'm frustrated that I'm put in a box (maybe unintentionally, I don't know) with Megan being "the spiritual ones." I'm frustrated that trying to talk to people about issues is a lot like talking to a brick wall. I'm frustrated with the lack of accommodation, humility, selflessness, patience, and authenticity. And I'm frustrated with myself, because I'm obviously projecting what I think a JVC community should be onto them. And that's not fair. But where's the line? And how do I reconcile all of this? I guess I'm mostly frustrated because I'm still asking these questions. I guess maybe these questions never end.
But I PROMISE that things aren't ALL bad. I still love work more and more every single day... really. The girls teach me something new everyday, and even when they're frustrating, I still enjoy hanging out with them so much. I know I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be. And as for community, I do find it to be life-giving at certain times, and especially with certain people. They know who they are. As Megan (my roommate now and great friend from USD) reminds me often... I have to remember to not only focus on the things that challenge me, but also to reflect on and engage myself in the places and people in which I find consolation in this struggle. Work is definitely that consolation, without a doubt. And as for people, obviously Megan is one place I go to seek consolation, and find it every single time. I am consistently inspired by her faith and her commitment to this program. She embodies everything we learned at USD, and reminds me daily to not dwell on what's gone, but to carry those memories and experiences with me everywhere I go. I do not know what I would have done without her here. Truly. Another person I cannot express enough gratitude for is my coworker (the former volunteer in my position), Mary Kate. She has quickly become a great friend, and a crucial part of my experience here. She affirms and supports me in everything, and listens to my rants that I'm sure seem to last for days. She has been a huge source of consolation for me, when I feel like giving up and throwing in the towel. If there is such a thing as kindred spirits, I think she's it.
Phew!
Okay, so I promise to be better about blogging more often.
Blogs to come in the next week or two: really sweet stories of conversations with girls I work with, frustrating comments from coworkers, adorable baby pictures, my experience standing up to my peers for something I believe in, fighting for social justice in my house, and reflection on my recent attempts to try a vegan diet!
Stay tuned!
Peace, love, and prayers,
Kels
...just kidding.
But I was really sick a few weeks ago. Not sure where or how I got such awful germs (okay, I know, I work with teenagers and babies...), but I didn't leave my bed for 4 days. And four of my other roommates were sick with the same thing! Crazy stuff. BUT, I am feeling so much better now. It took about 3 weeks to completely get over, but for now, I'm healed!
So, where to start with my update?
Being home for Christmas and New Years was phenomenal. It felt so good to be there, and to spend some much-needed quality time with my family and friends. Highlights: NOLA reunion in San Diego, Christmas with both of my grandmas and my family, best friends Starbucks dates, Rose Bowl game with the fam, annual Christmas present-exchanging dinner, all-day adventure in San Diego, and a million other fabulous memories.
Coming back, I did feel a new energy and enthusiasm for work. It was nice getting a break to just rest and recharge. I recognize that I probably need to do that more often, so I don't get burnt out. It was a blur of a first week, and then the next week, it was time for Re-O! (Re-Orientation, or, our Mid-Year JVC Retreat) All of the JV communities in the South region gathered together in Leakey, Texas for a 4-day retreat focused on social justice. It was, well, interesting. Lecture heavy, which was informative, but also a lot to take in. Also, we were put into discussion groups based on the population we worked with. Though originally I was in the "teenagers" group, which is appropriate, my other group member got sick and had to leave the retreat. Thus, I was put into another group... "people who are homeless." While, yes, this is technically the population I work with, the other volunteers in my group all work at homeless shelters as case managers or something similar. I quickly realized that my position and experience is just vastly different from the others in my group. They were discussing Section 8 vouchers, subsidized housing, government housing, etc... things that I hear about from my coworkers, but do not work with directly in my daily schedule. The retreat was focused on social change as structural change, and, quite frankly, the whole weekend left me with a feeling that I was not contributing to social change at all. I mean, I love my job, and I would not change it for the world - it brings me more joy than I thought possible. But the discussion groups and lectures were focused on these tangible changes we were making... and my contributions of youth group meetings and Sunday church just didn't seem tangible enough. I felt useless, sad, embarrassed, defeated, etc. However, I was asked to give a reflection at the mass on the last day of the retreat. A volunteer from Mobile, AL, and myself were asked to prepare and give reflections on the intersection of spirituality and social justice in our experience thus far. Writing and giving the reflection gave me ample space to reflect on my contributions to social justice through my job, and the power of the experience I was having. I left the retreat with higher spirits and the passion for my work reignited.
As for other things going on, I continue to really struggle with community. I'm just sort of at a loss. Of course, this feeling comes and goes, but as of lately I am almost bursting with frustration. It hasn't necessarily gotten worse or anything, but it hasn't really gotten better either. I'm just... frustrated. I'm frustrated that our community is completely divided, and everyone talks behind everyone else's back, but doesn't tell each other. I'm frustrated because decisions are never made with everyone considered or even knowing what's going on. I'm frustrated that because people bought gym memberships, our dinners all together have become obsolete. I'm frustrated that our weekly Community and Spirituality nights that we're supposed to plan and do together (part of the JVC program) are dreaded every single week, and that neither "night" is EVER longer than 20 minutes. I'm frustrated that the focus is often on where we're going out, and that that sometimes determines our schedule. I'm frustrated that (I feel like) we're not committed to ANY of the JVC values (community, spirituality, social justice, simplicity). I'm frustrated that we're not being socially conscious, and any socially-conscious decisions made are attacked and mocked (ie, vegetarianism). I'm frustrated that I'm put in a box (maybe unintentionally, I don't know) with Megan being "the spiritual ones." I'm frustrated that trying to talk to people about issues is a lot like talking to a brick wall. I'm frustrated with the lack of accommodation, humility, selflessness, patience, and authenticity. And I'm frustrated with myself, because I'm obviously projecting what I think a JVC community should be onto them. And that's not fair. But where's the line? And how do I reconcile all of this? I guess I'm mostly frustrated because I'm still asking these questions. I guess maybe these questions never end.
But I PROMISE that things aren't ALL bad. I still love work more and more every single day... really. The girls teach me something new everyday, and even when they're frustrating, I still enjoy hanging out with them so much. I know I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be. And as for community, I do find it to be life-giving at certain times, and especially with certain people. They know who they are. As Megan (my roommate now and great friend from USD) reminds me often... I have to remember to not only focus on the things that challenge me, but also to reflect on and engage myself in the places and people in which I find consolation in this struggle. Work is definitely that consolation, without a doubt. And as for people, obviously Megan is one place I go to seek consolation, and find it every single time. I am consistently inspired by her faith and her commitment to this program. She embodies everything we learned at USD, and reminds me daily to not dwell on what's gone, but to carry those memories and experiences with me everywhere I go. I do not know what I would have done without her here. Truly. Another person I cannot express enough gratitude for is my coworker (the former volunteer in my position), Mary Kate. She has quickly become a great friend, and a crucial part of my experience here. She affirms and supports me in everything, and listens to my rants that I'm sure seem to last for days. She has been a huge source of consolation for me, when I feel like giving up and throwing in the towel. If there is such a thing as kindred spirits, I think she's it.
Phew!
Okay, so I promise to be better about blogging more often.
Blogs to come in the next week or two: really sweet stories of conversations with girls I work with, frustrating comments from coworkers, adorable baby pictures, my experience standing up to my peers for something I believe in, fighting for social justice in my house, and reflection on my recent attempts to try a vegan diet!
Stay tuned!
Peace, love, and prayers,
Kels
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