'Cause I need freedom now, and I need to know how to live my life as it's meant to be

So, I'm writing this to you all from my death bed...


...just kidding.
But I was really sick a few weeks ago. Not sure where or how I got such awful germs (okay, I know, I work with teenagers and babies...), but I didn't leave my bed for 4 days. And four of my other roommates were sick with the same thing! Crazy stuff. BUT, I am feeling so much better now. It took about 3 weeks to completely get over, but for now, I'm healed!

So, where to start with my update?
Being home for Christmas and New Years was phenomenal. It felt so good to be there, and to spend some much-needed quality time with my family and friends. Highlights: NOLA reunion in San Diego, Christmas with both of my grandmas and my family, best friends Starbucks dates, Rose Bowl game with the fam, annual Christmas present-exchanging dinner, all-day adventure in San Diego, and a million other fabulous memories.

Coming back, I did feel a new energy and enthusiasm for work. It was nice getting a break to just rest and recharge. I recognize that I probably need to do that more often, so I don't get burnt out. It was a blur of a first week, and then the next week, it was time for Re-O! (Re-Orientation, or, our Mid-Year JVC Retreat) All of the JV communities in the South region gathered together in Leakey, Texas for a 4-day retreat focused on social justice. It was, well, interesting. Lecture heavy, which was informative, but also a lot to take in. Also, we were put into discussion groups based on the population we worked with. Though originally I was in the "teenagers" group, which is appropriate, my other group member got sick and had to leave the retreat. Thus, I was put into another group... "people who are homeless." While, yes, this is technically the population I work with, the other volunteers in my group all work at homeless shelters as case managers or something similar. I quickly realized that my position and experience is just vastly different from the others in my group. They were discussing Section 8 vouchers, subsidized housing, government housing, etc... things that I hear about from my coworkers, but do not work with directly in my daily schedule. The retreat was focused on social change as structural change, and, quite frankly, the whole weekend left me with a feeling that I was not contributing to social change at all. I mean, I love my job, and I would not change it for the world - it brings me more joy than I thought possible. But the discussion groups and lectures were focused on these tangible changes we were making... and my contributions of youth group meetings and Sunday church just didn't seem tangible enough. I felt useless, sad, embarrassed, defeated, etc. However, I was asked to give a reflection at the mass on the last day of the retreat. A volunteer from Mobile, AL, and myself were asked to prepare and give reflections on the intersection of spirituality and social justice in our experience thus far. Writing and giving the reflection gave me ample space to reflect on my contributions to social justice through my job, and the power of the experience I was having. I left the retreat with higher spirits and the passion for my work reignited.

As for other things going on, I continue to really struggle with community. I'm just sort of at a loss. Of course, this feeling comes and goes, but as of lately I am almost bursting with frustration. It hasn't necessarily gotten worse or anything, but it hasn't really gotten better either. I'm just... frustrated. I'm frustrated that our community is completely divided, and everyone talks behind everyone else's back, but doesn't tell each other. I'm frustrated because decisions are never made with everyone considered or even knowing what's going on. I'm frustrated that because people bought gym memberships, our dinners all together have become obsolete. I'm frustrated that our weekly Community and Spirituality nights that we're supposed to plan and do together (part of the JVC program) are dreaded every single week, and that neither "night" is EVER longer than 20 minutes. I'm frustrated that the focus is often on where we're going out, and that that sometimes determines our schedule. I'm frustrated that (I feel like) we're not committed to ANY of the JVC values (community, spirituality, social justice, simplicity). I'm frustrated that we're not being socially conscious, and any socially-conscious decisions made are attacked and mocked (ie, vegetarianism). I'm frustrated that I'm put in a box (maybe unintentionally, I don't know) with Megan being "the spiritual ones." I'm frustrated that trying to talk to people about issues is a lot like talking to a brick wall. I'm frustrated with the lack of accommodation, humility, selflessness, patience, and authenticity. And I'm frustrated with myself, because I'm obviously projecting what I think a JVC community should be onto them. And that's not fair. But where's the line? And how do I reconcile all of this? I guess I'm mostly frustrated because I'm still asking these questions. I guess maybe these questions never end.

But I PROMISE that things aren't ALL bad. I still love work more and more every single day... really. The girls teach me something new everyday, and even when they're frustrating, I still enjoy hanging out with them so much. I know I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be. And as for community, I do find it to be life-giving at certain times, and especially with certain people. They know who they are. As Megan (my roommate now and great friend from USD) reminds me often... I have to remember to not only focus on the things that challenge me, but also to reflect on and engage myself in the places and people in which I find consolation in this struggle. Work is definitely that consolation, without a doubt. And as for people, obviously Megan is one place I go to seek consolation, and find it every single time. I am consistently inspired by her faith and her commitment to this program. She embodies everything we learned at USD, and reminds me daily to not dwell on what's gone, but to carry those memories and experiences with me everywhere I go. I do not know what I would have done without her here. Truly. Another person I cannot express enough gratitude for is my coworker (the former volunteer in my position), Mary Kate. She has quickly become a great friend, and a crucial part of my experience here. She affirms and supports me in everything, and listens to my rants that I'm sure seem to last for days. She has been a huge source of consolation for me, when I feel like giving up and throwing in the towel. If there is such a thing as kindred spirits, I think she's it.


Phew!

Okay, so I promise to be better about blogging more often.
Blogs to come in the next week or two: really sweet stories of conversations with girls I work with, frustrating comments from coworkers, adorable baby pictures, my experience standing up to my peers for something I believe in, fighting for social justice in my house, and reflection on my recent attempts to try a vegan diet!

Stay tuned!



Peace, love, and prayers,
Kels